About eight months ago, I moved three hours away to college super excited to start a new chapter in my life. Moving to a completely different area, I thought I was going to make so many new friends and do so many new things. Little did I know how much pain this new journey was going to bring me through.
September
The start of my troubles. I was ridiculously homesick. I called my mom any chance I could. I was consumed by my school work (if you have the choice, don't take 18 credits your first semester). I started to lock myself in my room. People would ask me to hangout and I would politely decline, saying I had lots of school work to do. In reality, though, I would sit on my bed and cry, feeling lonelier by the second. I was pushing everyone out, wanting so badly to be back in the town I thought I was so ready to leave.
October
My birthday month. Couldn't be that bad, right? My October began with someone leaving my life who, at the time, I never thought would leave. I was crushed. I started to doubt myself—what was wrong with me? I cried to God, asking him to show me His plan because I felt lost. I wondered how anyone was going to love me again if I could not even love myself. My birthday came and went. My friends took me out to dinner, but I remember feeling like I was eating with a bunch of strangers, including myself; I did not know who I was anymore.
November
I remember thinking "New month, new me." I only had to get through a couple weeks before I could go home for Thanksgiving. I could do it. This was going to be the month I put the sad behind me. On November 10, my family lost my great grandmother at 106 years old. Losing a loved one is a feeling I cannot describe, but it's one that I would never wish for anyone to feel. We were so blessed to have her for such a long time, but she was someone who you never thought you'd have to live without. She had a heart of gold and a strong love for Jesus, so it was reassuring to realize that if she isn't with her family anymore (who she also loved endlessly), she is with Him.
March
Flash forward a few months and I am getting ready to finish up my freshman year of college. God has brought me through a tough season of life, but they're not lying when they say "There's always a light at the end of the tunnel." I still call my mom a lot (of course), but there are no tears. I have new friends and a new outlook to life.
My heart breaks for the girl I was a couple months ago, but mostly for anyone I hurt while I was hurting. I was not myself, and I am sure I was not the most pleasant person to be around. This has been laying heavy on my heart lately and I wanted anyone reading this to know I am sorry for the pain I caused. I am sorry for sharing sadness instead of joy. I am sorry for not healing my wounds sooner, and instead letting them bleed all over everyone.
Over the past couple of months, God has given me an overwhelming sense of peace. I no longer worry about things I cannot control. He has made me a new person, and I hope that everyone in my life is willing to start a new journey with me, one that is filled with happiness and the only tears seen are the ones from laughing too hard.
