Everyone knows that old, endearing saying that “family is everything.” You didn’t choose them, they didn’t choose you, and even when you can’t stand them, they’ve got your back through thick and thin. It’s a beautiful concept, the idea that simple heritage ties will support you until the day you die. It’s a notion that is widely accepted in our society, and many of us share. We have all experienced that inevitable guilt that comes with being angry with your family. Even when it seems to be for justified reason — the idea of not loving a member of your family seems criminal and immoral.

This romanticized concept of “perfection” in the family realm is discouraging, and for a lot of people, unattainable and downright unrealistic. The reality is, sometimes the bond of blood is not enough to justify unconditional love.

You are not obligated to love a father who beat you or to love a mother who made you question your worth and value as a human being. You’re not required to give unconditional love to a brother or sister who sexually abused you or to the grandparents who repeatedly shamed you for your dreams, life choices, sexuality or appearance. It’s hard to be surrounded by people so biologically similar to you and yet feel like a stranger, even in your own home.

This idealized vision of family is a wonderful target, but we need to make it more attainable to individuals who feel no such bond with their hereditary relatives. Family needs to be re-defined as a concept, not a concrete biological term for the individuals you share genetic patterns with. It is entirely possible for you to fall in love with people who are more supportive and loving than your biological family ever would or could be. Your family does not need to be the traditional, nuclear ideal to be a real family.

We need to disintegrate this idea that children owe some sort of unquestioning love and devotion to their parents, or vice versa. Do not stay in a home that is violent or pay money to the family member who is leeching from the quality of your life in order to maintain this age-old notion of familial loyalty. Recognize that, yes, there exist wonderful parents and family members in life, ones that tease you and occasionally make you feel like crap, but in the end, are truly there to support you and care about your well-being. But realize that there’s a chance the people who are supposed to have given you everything have realistically given you nothing and, in fact, caused more pain in your life than they have relieved.

Challenging this idea that family is not always everything is terrifying, but it is necessary. Because, just as Richard Bach said, “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.”