Everyone knows what it feels like to get a little anxious sometimes. Whether it be because a big speech coming up, or asking your crush to dance. Could you imagine feeling this way everyday and not being able to control it? Anxiety is a disorder that not only effects you mentally, but physically as well. Sometimes it can feel like anxiety has taken over your entire life.
Anxiety is kind of like riding in a car and you go to lean forward, but your seat belt is locked. So you try and try again, but the belt is still locked. There is no apparent reason that the seat belt should be locked, as you're just driving down the road. You know in your head you can just undo the seat belt, but instead you try to figure out why your belt is locked. Then you pull again and suddenly the belt is unlocked and your face is in the dash. That's what anxiety feels like.
Anxiety is not just being nervous, It's the feeling of being beat down to your core until there is nothing left. You pray to God to help relieve your symptoms, to give you a sign that you will be okay. The next day the power goes out and you are in complete darkness. Then anxiety tells you that this is God's sign, a sign that you will NOT be okay. You can hear someone crying and quickly realize the tears are streaming from your own face. People begin turning on there phone lights and staring at you. Then you realize that this is not a sign telling you it is time to die, but a sign that you need help. That's the scariest part. Being to the point of wanting to let go of everything before you realize something isn't quite right with your mentality. For me it took passing out unconscious on the floor because anxiety wouldn't let me breathe.
Anxiety hits people in different ways. To me anxiety is saying "sorry" a million times a day, about things I definitely have no control over and shouldn't be apologizing for, because I want to make sure I haven't offended anyone. It is typing out a message to a friend, and then deleting the whole thing because I don't want to bother them. To me anxiety is not wanting to get out of bed because it is my comfortable place. It is is crying over the tiniest things because sometimes it is too overwhelming. To me anxiety is thinking people are always mad at me, always out to get me. Anxiety is thinking people no longer want to be my friend because I haven't heard from them in a while. To me anxiety is pushing people away because my head tells me it's to painful to hang on. To me anxiety is never being good enough for the people I care about. It is seeing someone and wanting to say hi, but not saying anything, because I don't know if they want to talk to me. To me anxiety is loosing a $50 facial bronzing lotion and tearing the house apart looking for it, then crying for 3 days. The part that people don't understand is that it has nothing to do with the lotion at all, but that something disappeared and cannot be found.
That is all everyday life, but anxiety doesn't stop there. Having an anxiety attack? Suddenly it is scalding hot, your palms are sweating. Your body becomes tense and uncomfortable. You begin to cry. Breathing becomes harder, and harder, and harder until it feels as if you are searching for a grasp of air. Your heart is beating faster than it ever has. Your mind is racing so fast you can't even comprehend what is happening. You think of only the worst case scenario and you start to think that is exactly what will happen. It almost feels as if your are drowning but you have accepted the fact that the surface is too far away, when it is only a few inches above you. The most frustrating part about having an anxiety attack is that in the back of your head you know you are being unreasonable and that it is stupid. That's where anxiety steps in. A small, manageable problem keeps growing in your head until it is something very very big. You begin to panic. You know you are being ridiculous, but you are powerless to your own mind. Anxiety has taken over. Sometimes an anxiety attack doesn't include any of these things. Sometimes it is silent where it feels like your brain is malfunctioning and it is difficult to breathe, but on the outside it just looks as if I am fine. After the attack is over, you're body moves slow. Things become darker. You're head doesn't work the same. It is if you aren't alive, but aren't dead either.
Then there are periods of time where I talk more, laugh more, and carry myself in a way that represents the strong young woman I am. I'll sleep normally, eat normally and feel fine. Out of nowhere for no reason at all, everything can change in an instant and I am drowning in my anxiety again. It is terrifying that anxiety may keep me from being the person I had hoped and dreamed of being.
The fact that many people cannot understand the illness makes everything worse. There is literally a chemical imbalance in the brain, but people think it is just overreacting. Society says that if I cry in public, or begin to talk out about the way I am feeling, I am just another millennial crybaby looking for attention. Anxiety is not a cry for attention. Anxiety is a mental health disorder.
