Accepting it was the first step to finding hope.

Often times, happiness and smiles are masks to deviate from what is really hurting someone. For me, this was depression. Whoa. In all of the stories I have read or heard, I assumed depression only happened to certain people, but I was wrong. Depression can affect anyone anytime. It's sad how our society neglects to realize how depression is a mental illness, not just made up feelings to get attention. In my case, no one could tell that I was going through depression because I somehow refused to show it. That's how it is for many cases. Depression is often silent, and can be deadly.

Finally seeing a counselor after many years of confusion and hurt only helped me progress as a person. I used to believe these persistent feelings of guilt, loneliness, worthlessness, and sadness were simply because I was a hormonal teenage girl, but in reality, it was the opposite of normal. Crying multiple times a day every single day for months is heartbreaking. Despite being in a room full of people, I would feel completely alone. No one should have to go through this alone. But I felt as if I needed to. Going through depression isn't something to be ashamed of, although, our world says otherwise. Rather, it is something to overcome. In life we will face chaos and hurt, but there is always a way out. Learning to stop hating myself for everything I'm not was when I started loving myself for everything I already am.

Loosing interest in my favorite activities and friends was the hardest part of all. No matter how much I loved watching Netflix, running, reading, and going out with friends, none of these things seemed appealing anymore. Simply trying to read a book was like rocket science; I couldn't focus, I couldn't understand what I was reading, and I could care less. I had no interest anymore, and this truly broke my heart. I wanted to want to do things. I wanted to want to do something for my 18th birthday because it's supposed to be one of the biggest milestones in your life, but I couldn't find the strength to make plans for myself. As someone who loves meeting new people, hanging out with friends, and finding 20 different tasks to consume myself in, losing interest in these activities ultimately caused me to lose interest in myself.

Although it's not an overnight process, little by little, I can truly change my life. Not by myself, of course, but through God. Each one of us is designed for a greater purpose. As a wise friend once told me, suffering is a part of being human, but it doesn't define who we are. We may feel broken and abandoned, and our human relationships may fail us, but there is always hope in Christ. Although it was hard to see it at times, I am loved, by my friends, classmates, coworkers, and family. Despite the sorrow, pain, and hurt I've seen, I now have one hell of a story to tell my future husband and children! I strive to be the light in everyone's lives that I encounter and give hope to those in need. Life isn't always easy, but it is worth fighting for.

"God sees us as we truly are- and He sees us worthy of rescue." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf