"But I don't understand why they would..."

I hear that phrase a lot, and it's one that can end in a countless number of ways. I've heard it from my own mouth and others'.

"I don't understand why a person would want to change their gender...."

"I don't understand why someone would choose to starve themselves..."

"I don't understand why you can't just be happy..."

Sometimes these things are said by those who genuinely want to understand a situation and find a personal relation to it. Others say it only for the sake of criticizing, without any real inclination to, as they claim, understand.

Don't get me wrong, everyone needs someone, or many someones, to understand something they may be facing. Sympathy, comfort — those are natural to want. The need for support is particularly important when it comes to understanding a situation that is stigmatized or that heavily impacts the person's life in a negative or positive way. For instance, situations pertaining to mental health and sexuality.

I think there's a large focus on this concept of understanding someone's sexuality, understanding someone's mental illness or understanding why someone would want to identify by a gender other than what's stated on their birth certificate.

But here's some magical wisdom I'd like to share, especially with those who knowingly or unknowingly seek only to make a fuss:

You don't always have to understand or find some way you can relate.

Rather, accept it.

Accept that someone has feelings or thoughts you can't relate to, and accept that they are still valid without your understanding them. If you can't seem to comprehend something, or if you're not willing to try to, then don't. Or put it on the back-burner for a while. Because, all in all, it's not about you. If someone is opening up to you, you need to listen and accept what they are sharing. If you do feel like you gain a real understanding from your communication, then I'm sure it'll be much appreciated.

What's not OK to do is dismiss the information simply because you can't apply it to yourself, or you otherwise find it so unfathomable that you can't possibly perceive it having any legitimacy.

You're attracted to boys and girls? Oh no, sweetie, that's not how it works. You're just confused. Don't be like one of those kids nowadays who are making up words to describe their gender and sexuality. It's ridiculous!

Thanks for the feedback. Doesn't change anything.

So someone is different than you. Can you explain why someone defining themselves by an unfamiliar term hurts you? Does it stick a knife in your side or put you in horrible traffic on the turnpike? We learn new words all the time, both in and outside of formal learning environments; learning another term that means a lot to someone isn't that demanding. Especially if that person is someone you care about.

Next scenario: say someone you know tells you they have a psychiatric or personality disorder. Depending on the symptoms or disorder specifically, you might find it particularly difficult to relate. Maybe it takes too much effort to face someone's emotional baggage. You might scoff. You might not understand why a person wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning, why they might have a panic attack over something you think is trivial, or why they just feel so much all of the time.

If your brain chemistry is superb and giving you the thumbs up to be an A+ functional human being, that may be a legitimate reason you might find it tough to comprehend the thought processes of someone with abnormal levels of certain brain chemicals, like serotonin and dopamine — two chemicals in the brain that regulate things like motivation, concentration and mood, and are associated with several psychiatric conditions.

Therefore, if you can't seem to figure out why a person does this or thinks that way, thank your brain and then accept that someone else may feel or think in ways foreign to you.

The primary message here is that you don't always need to understand everything to accept it. Not everything you try to understand requires you to, because your understanding doesn't change the way that it is. Whether you understand why a person is gay or not (is there a reason?) doesn't change that they are. Understanding someone's debilitating and stressful relationship with food doesn't change their having an eating disorder. Having support in times of struggle helps, but it doesn't change their existing in the first place.The list of scenarios goes on and on.

The continual attempt to understand and relate to something alien to you isn't just tiring on yourself, but on the person you're trying to understand, too. Sometimes a person just needs acceptance. Because, as I mentioned before, it's about them, not you. No one needs your permission to be or do things a certain way, but showing your acceptance is a shoulder-nudge of approval that may mean a lot to someone regardless.