Sometimes when going through a difficult time, the worst feelings we can experience are feelings of loneliness, isolation and misunderstanding. This is why we crave affection, attention and support from those around us. But, sometimes, it is just not enough when we feel like even the people closest to us do not understand us.
Let’s face it. Some people are just not great at comforting others. Some feel awkward when they see another person cry, and others search for comforting words to fill any silence. The most common line I have heard is “I understand what you are going through." It helps two people feel like they aren’t separated, but joined by the very thing that has been dragging them down. As much as it is nice to hear “I understand what you are going through," you don’t, and you never will. You will never fully understand the type of pain someone is going through. You may understand bits and pieces, certain experiences and certain feelings. Those things are relatable. But, you will never experience what another person is going through in the exact same way.
It is often said that people cope with things differently. Everyone experiences their own reality in a different way — some worse than others, and some easier than others. When we go through something difficult, we often feel like only we can understand the extent of the damage. It can be more frustrating to hear “I understand” than to just listen. Sometimes saying “I understand” is what the listener needs in order to feel connected and not awkward in the conversation at all.
Instead of trying to unify everyone by saying “I understand," maybe it is better to just listen. Maybe it is just better to let a person feel the extent of their pain in their own way, and to just be there to help them through it. Instead of trying to fill silence, allow silence to grow. Allow silence to be a place where people can vent, cry, bond and grow. Not all silence is deafening. Sometimes, what a person may need is to be able to have someone there, intently listening. Listening does not always require a conversation to happen.
I have been told by someone very close to me, “be selfish when it comes to getting help." Do not be afraid to reach out and talk to those you trust about what is happening in your life. Do not feel that people will not listen to you because they “do not understand”. In actuality, they are not supposed to understand. It is important to find people who will listen to you, accept you and help you. Sometimes the best way to help someone is just by being there to listen. By listening, you are creating a safe place for someone to get help.
Just because you do not understand, it does not mean you should not care or show support. The best support you can give is being there for another human being. Do not try to make someone else’s problems seem small and irrelevant. By saying “I understand," it could potentially be putting a limit on someone else’s feelings. It is possible to relate without completely understanding. Show interest; try to understand. Learn about what they are experiencing. Stop saying you understand and just start listening.
