I have had social anxiety for the majority of my life. I was always known as the quiet girl in class. People would always ask me why I’m so shy, but I would just tell them that I didn’t really have much to say at that moment. When I try to explain my social anxiety to most people, they just tell me to try and get over it and that I’m just being shy. That’s true, I am shy. But, that’s not all that there is to it. I may not appear to have social anxiety because I try to hide it as well as I can, but that doesn’t stop the constant torture of my own thoughts and fears ruining everything.
I wake up every morning and put on a fresh façade. I may look collected on the outside, but on the inside, I have a million thoughts running through my head, and my heart is beating a mile per minute. I’ll try to make myself look busy by picking off my nail polish or twirling my hair, but I’m actually hoping that nobody notices how red my cheeks are, or that my heart is pounding out of my chest. People probably think I’m being rude, but by trying to appear invisible, I’m really just protecting myself from months of constantly thinking 'Why did I say that?'
I feel like I have so much to say, but my breath is taken back by the fear of what everyone will think of me later. Before I try to initiate a conversation with somebody, my stomach will turn into knots, and my throat feels like it’s completely closed. Having a conversation with someone I just met is like a whirlwind of chaos and fear. My face will turn red because I will feel like I can’t breathe, and the only thing going through my head is how stupid people may think I look. When we’re in the midst of a conversation, it may seem like I’m not paying attention to you, but that’s not true. I’m just trying to rehearse what I’m going to say next so I don’t stumble over my words.
I’m not as shy as you may think, and I’m not trying to be rude when I stand in the corner avoiding every human in sight. I just have social anxiety. As much as I wish I could control it, I can’t. I can’t just get over it, and it’s not just all made up in my head. As much as I wish I could take it away, social anxiety is a part of me.
