To all of my professors who don't understand social anxiety,

I might as well say hello now, because I'm probably never going to talk to you before or after class. It is nothing against you, but even thinking about asking you a question makes my legs numb and it gets harder to breathe. I know you're my professor and all, but I not only hate talking to strangers but I also don't want to ask a dumb question that would make me hate myself forever. I have to sit and calculate every little thing I am going to say to you. Sometimes I even write it down to make sure I'm not going to mess it up. That is why I love email so much because I can write anything I need to and not have to worry about facing you and seeing your reaction. That's why I probably won't ever be at your office hours, because being surrounded by other students and asking questions makes my face flush, my throat close, and my whole body to go numb. It doesn't even matter if you and the students are the nicest people in the world, I would just rather be locked up in my room and googling the answers then talking to you about them. I can't physically make myself talk to you outside or during class because I get too anxious too. That is why when you said participation points are a huge part of my grade I probably looked like I wanted to cry. You have no idea how much calculation goes into raising my hand to answer a question--I can't be wrong because that is very humiliating to me even though we are in a learning environment and I know I shouldn't care. But I do care, and I can't make myself not care as I have been trying for basically all my life to get over this stupid fear of mine. I have social anxiety though and as hard as I might try, anything in a social setting is going to make me want to run to the door.

So please don't think that I hate your guts because I sit in the back of the classroom and avoid looking up. I can promise you that I am listening to every single word you are saying because I actually do love learning. I am writing down everything that comes out of your mouth and making sure I understand everything. If I do manage to raise my hand, please be patient because I may talk fast to quickly get out of the spotlight, or I may say something rather dumb because my adrenaline levels are sky rocketing. Yes I prefer to sit in your classroom quietly, to take notes, and then leave and I know most professors hate that. You probably want to get to know everyone and want to encourage us to think deeper than we ever have before--my only problem is that I am doing that, I just don't want to prove it to you. I hate going up to the board as well to do problems--that is setting myself up for failure. While you may think that it's going to help me learn the material better, since I'm getting a question wrong in front of the whole class, trust me when I say it isn't and that it is only going to scar me emotionally.

So to all of the professors who don't understand social anxiety, please hear me now. I am going to be the student who comes into your classroom, sits down and does all of the work you need me to do, but I'm probably never going to speak. I would love it if you would be okay with that and let me be, because you have no idea how hard it is to turn around and talk to my neighbor about a problem when my heart is racing. I hate being forced to talk to people--I have to open up on my own time, so please, please don't expect too much from me right away. I'm going to try and talk during class but my face is always going to be red and I'm always going to sound out of breath when I do so. Talking during class in front of others is about the equivalent of you jumping out of an airplane for fun. I can't control how I feel, but I promise you I will try every single day. So please don't ignore me or hate me because I don't seem engaged because I'm more engaged than you will ever know. Just be patient, I will open up once I feel comfortable, but until then I am not going to go to the board, i won't answer questions, and I probably won't say hello.

So hello professor, I have social anxiety and I'm sorry you have to have to deal with me. I wish I could change it and be extroverted and love to talk during class but I can't. So please bear with me.

Your student with social anxiety.