When I decided to go to What’s Your Big Lie I thought the topic would be us lying to ourselves. I never considered that this would be a presentation about suicide. What I experienced was nothing like I expected at all. I expected a speaker to come in and talk for three hours and then at the end some people would ask questions and leave. I did not expect there to be any crying, especially from myself. This presentation was about the big lie we show others and sharing the truth that only we know. In the beginning of this presentation the speaker, Jordan Axani, gave us some statistics about depression, suicidal thoughts, and how many people have these feelings but say nothing. He showed us results that he got from various age groups. For example, he showed us some answers he got from fifth graders, 10 year olds. The answers made everyone want to cry. One student said, “I'm transgender and I don't know how to tell my family, I tried to tell my mom but she doesn't understand”. Another said, ”I play the role of a nice kid but inside I feel like a monster”. The third kid said “I feel like dying every day." These responses were from 10-year-olds I can't stress that enough.

After he gave us these statistics and examples from previous experiences doing the program he asked us to all answer a question anonymously using our cell phones. Everyone did and we all saw answers projected on the screen in real time. The first question was, “What’s your big lie?” One said, “When I was in first grade I would scratch my face so that I didn't have to go to school and be bullied. I was bullied until 8th grade." There were many more after that that made me want to cry.

The second question hit just as hard, “When was the last time you thought about self-harm?” Answers flooded in. Answers like, “right now”, “I think I may still be bleeding”, and “a couple times throughout today I cut myself”. These answers were so scary because it was all coming from people within the room.

Out of all the answers to the questions and things he showed us the most emotional part of the whole presentation was when he said, “Would anyone like to come up and share a story?” I wanted so badly to go up, but my anxiety wouldn't let me. Plus, I would not have been able to hold it together. My friend was the first to go up after several minutes of silence. He opened up about some pretty hard stuff going on in his life. I am so proud of him for doing this because he opened the floor to so many people in that room that needed to be heard. Hand after hand went up after he showed his bravery and broke the silence that filled the room for about 3 minutes. The things I was hearing from the mouths of the victims themselves was amazing. Some of the stories brought me and others in the room to tears.

I will always remember this event as it was so eye opening. I sent in some deep things about myself. I did not say it myself in front of everyone but he read my message and I felt validated. We are NOT alone. I learned this by seeing everyone around me have something in their life that is just as hard. I feel that this event needs to go to every high school and middle school in the world. I actually saw him after the presentation and got business cards and fliers to drop off at my middle school and high school.

The speaker delivered these presentations flawlessly. Jordan was very open and you could feel his acceptance. He shared his own story to help everyone to feel comfortable. Jordan was also very good with lightening the mood. After a very serious moment, he would find a way to move on and to bring everyone up again so that no one was left with an open wound. You could hear the emotion in his voice and see it on his face.

After the presentation ended I waited to talk to him because I wanted to share what I wrote in and some other things just to get it off my chest. I also wanted to know how he copes with all of this sadness that is his career. He told me that he has his own way of dealing with it. He will take long drives and just think about everything that was said and happened at that event and talk with a close friend about it. Jordan said that he had been doing this and just pushed it off and suppressed what he heard that day from volunteers but it was hurting him more so he figured out this way. I have always wondered how psychologists and people who center their careers around others pain cope because I wanted to become a psychologist or therapist but was afraid that I would become too emotionally involved and take the pain with me. His advice was helpful. Everyone copes differently and it is about finding the way that is best for you. The moral of this presentation is that you are never alone.