So I haven't been able to write lately because I haven't really thought of anything and didn't have the inspiration to write. So I got to thinking about the things I have written that have gotten the most views or shares in the past and realize it has been when I write about personal things, experiences I have had, and really anything raw about myself in a way. So here it goes, something raw and emotional, something that I struggle with daily and how I learned to "deal" with it.

So in my 21 years of life I have only had two legit boyfriends. And one I really didn't consider my boyfriend until after the fact. Now if you know me, you're probably saying, "Well, the mere thought of having a boyfriend freaks you out." And well yeah, that's true, but honestly it's because of boyfriend number one. Which is an entirely different article, that maybe I will soon get the courage to share about that. But anyway, what I have always dealt with emotionally is that I always thought a girl needs a boyfriend. She needs someone there to hold her when she's down, randomly buy her coffee or surprise her with chocolates. I never really had that so I don't know where the idea came from, but I blame network television.

You know, watching the episodes of Hannah Montana where Jake Ryan is trying to win Miley over for the umpteenth time, I always longed for that. Longed for the stupid things like a guy slipping a note in your locker (lol who even used their locker?). Longed for a guy that longed for me. And maybe sometimes I would do anything to try and win that from a guy. That one thing I longed for.

I had a lot of friends who always had a boyfriend, they literally would break up with a guy and next thing you know they're over the guy they cried about for hours on end. I never understood it. I didn't understand why it was so easy for them. It would piss me off. There I was at 16 -- never been kissed, never been on a legit date, hating my body for never looking the ways my friends did (because they obviously were doing something right to get guys). While my best friend had three boyfriends that year.

Then off to college I went in hopes of changing that. I love where I am at, the things I have learned, the person I have become is all because this place that is oh so special to me. But freshman year that part of my mind always tugged at me, because its not easy to meet boys. I would go to date nights without a date, see all the girls who had a date, and at the end of the day I'd fall asleep crying because I obviously had to be doing something wrong to not have a boyfriend. I'd get ready for an event, cry my eyes out, clean my face up, and then show up. You get that image that college is supposed to be that time when you meet your future husband. And I learned no, that's not what it is.

College for me was finding out who I am. It's not that I didn't know who I was before, I just got lost along the way. I swayed to the path were I believed I needed someone more than God's love for me. I longed for someone who longed for me no matter what, and you know what? That person is God. I lost my way by thinking about the fact that something MUST be wrong with me if I didn't get asked to prom or the fact that I never got that cute little date to the fair. But I learned that I was choosing things that made me want to alter myself and things (boys approval) that will never satisfy me. But God died on a cross to wash away my sins and you know what? He WANTS me and He is the only thing that will ever satisfy me.

The woman at the well, do you know that story? God told the woman about how if you drink the normal water from the well you will be thirsty again, but if you drink the living water, then you will never be thirsty again. It's an analogy; God is what makes you feel as if you are complete. God is satisfying. God is yearning for you to yearn for Him.

What isn't satisfying is partying every night, drinking to try and forget about the pains you have or thinking that some boy can give you what only God can give you. And that's what I learned.

I'm not perfect, I still have my days where it feels like I can never be satisfied after a worldly pleasure has failed me. But I always come back to God.

I see it now in one of my friends, she has always had a boyfriend and is always seeking a guy out. And she recently let me in about how she just broke down the other day thinking about the fact of being alone, without a boyfriend. So maybe she'll read this and it will help her or maybe it will help you. Because that boy or drink will never fix whatever is broken in your heart and I wish you could see that.

Some awesome materials that I have enjoyed reading include The Lipstick Gospel (http://stephaniemaywilson.com/lipstickgospeldownlo...) and Sorority Girls Can Change the World ( http://katiebulmer.life/sorority-girls-can-change-...) both have free downloads form these links and are really awesome. If you are struggling with living the "fun" life, but trying to be a Christian and are really struggling, these are for you.