I recently read a Buzzfeed article about people who had used #whatyoudontsee to spread awareness that anxiety and depression is something that isn't presented in ways you'd expect from someone. I have spoken out about my anxiety a little in previous articles, but what I talked about was mainly the healing process. However, there are still many days that I struggle. A lot. Today was one of those days.
I'm a slightly pessimistic person. I'm not all bubbles, rainbows, and sunshine, but still, for the longest time people didn't expect (and still don't) that I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and have frequent bouts of depression. My point is that I'm pretty good at covering things up. I can smile my way through a bad anxiety day, but that doesn't mean that everything is okay.
What people don't see from me is the internal struggle I face. Almost every day I find myself longing to do nothing, the need to be alone, but the encasing fear that the day will be wasted, that I will miss out on time that could be spent with family and friends. My throat tightens at the idea that I will not get that day back. What I keep hidden is the anger and fear that occurs when I want someone to ask what is wrong, and then the relief that comes when they don't ask. I am constantly looking over my shoulder for an impending meltdown, that I will lose control of myself and my emotions. I hide the moments of random crying at tiny little things like dropping my phone, plans being changed. I hide the raging sea that rages inside me with a smile and get on with my day.
Anxiety and depression don't have specific looks, not everyone has the same experiences and symptoms. But I believe we all know that our struggle to hide the pain, the guilt that simple things can be so difficult, and the fear of basic interactions is half our battle. Know that through it all you are not alone, and that the fact that you choose to keep going every day is a victory in this battle you are fighting.
