Hey Amy, it’s me, your long lost best friend that you didn’t know you had. Because we’ve been separated for so long, we have a lot of catching up to do, but don’t worry, I’ve read your autobiography and follow you on Twitter (even though you don’t actually tweet anything, I’m just there as a supporter); I pretty much know your whole life story. It seems like I've spent so much time with you since I've also watched every TV show and skit you've ever been in, but here are some dying questions I have that aren’t addressed on either of the aforementioned platforms are:
- Do you prefer chicken nuggets or tenders?
- What are your opinions of the film "E.T.?"
- Have you ever considered dating Nick Offerman? (listen, I know he’s married, and you see him as essentially a role model and brother but c’mon, these are both things that can changed.)
Anyways, I have a bit of an agenda for us here, so bare with me as I explain exactly what I want to do with you. First, I was thinking that we grab lunch, on you of course, at the restaurant of your choice (don’t be cheap, Amy, I’m a college student and you’re a celebrity, I think you can spare some pocket change on your best friend). After that (DISCLAIMER: I’m assuming we’re in New York City right now), we go take a horse and carriage ride around Central Park and laugh about the things we have in common and hug about how happy we are in our friendship. Later, imagine this: you, me and the ASPCA. There are adorable animals everywhere but you and I fall in love with an adorable one-eyed kitten and adopt him as our own and name him Mario, after America’s treasured adolescent performer (this is not up for discussion).
Fast-forward to the nighttime and you and I get dressed up, in a way that we match, but match in the sense that it’s obvious, but in that we have several similar pieces and color choices on, so people can tell that we are definitely friends, but don’t think we’re psycho (even you and I both know how low-key we are). Also we need to look great so we can take a really good Insta-pic and tag all of our famous male-celebrities in it “accidentally” so they have a chance of seeing it too and potentially falling in love. Honestly, I just can’t wait Am (can I call you that?) (of course I can we’re BFFS). Here’s my number and twitter handle and we can talk more later. *air kisses and walks away*
