Back in March of 2016, I made a schedule for this past fall semester. I put in a multitude of courses, ranging from theater appreciation all the way to organic chemistry. I have days that begin at 8:30 am as well as days that don't begin until after 2 in the afternoon. It has been a weird time in my life as I navigate through the wheel of daily schedules.
On mornings when school started early I would barely drag myself out of bed, but on the other days, I found myself waking up in time for my 8:30 class. On those early mornings I’d have the urge to get ready and do my hair and put on a nice outfit, but on those other days, I couldn’t stand the thought of parting with my bed until it was absolutely vital.
I pictured a long semester of hitting the gym in the mornings and meal planning for the days that lie ahead, and some days I did… but most days I just kinda laid in bed and fermented until an external force pulled me away - most days this force was my shame in myself, but still.
This semester has taught me that no matter how much I love sleep, having a schedule that starts in the deep afternoon will only decrease my productivity. Having early classes will make me bitter, but it will make me a better person as my to-do list will shorten. I will like myself more after an early morning gym session, but I will never truly be inclined to go if I know that I can make pancakes and bacon instead.
As the weather grows colder I have less motivation to get in that morning run and more motivation to cuddle up under the covers and watch HGTV. I attribute this inactivity to SAD or seasonal affective disorder, which is a very real mood disorder that my pettiness convinces me I have. Someday, I tell myself, that I will go to the gym and eat egg whites again and carry around an entire gallon of water. But right now, it feels so much cozier to grasp a hot cup of coffee in my hands as I trudge through the cold in my bitter winter state.
This semester has taught me that I am this productive person who appreciates true balance which allows for vegetating in my warm heated house, eating junk food in my underwear on some days. This semester has taught me that it is okay, and there will be times when I may hate myself for this unbalanced balance, but it doesn’t mean I’m completely off track. This semester has allowed me to learn about myself, and through myself, and to love myself through it all. I cannot wait to see what next semester brings.
