Looking in the mirror was no fun. There was a good period of time where I never looked in the mirror, where I couldn't bear to see the disgusting waste of flesh that looked back at me. I couldn't fathom why this feeling of utter contempt washed over me, other than the fact that I truly hated myself.
The self-hatred that consumed me for so long is finally on its way out. I remember, quite vividly, when something within me had changed.
I was attending a women's retreat, and one of the older women had led a workshop. She had talked about acceptance and affirmations. And what she had then said blew me away:
I am okay. In fact, I am excellent.
This, coupled with a chant, had mentally knocked me over.
You are a strong woman, you are a wise woman, you are a healer and your soul will never die. We honor you and empower you to be who you are.
Maybe to others, these statements don't sound all that remarkable...but to me they were. You see, for someone who has struggled with identity, the war in my mind had stopped, and I could breathe.
Just breathe.
Breathing was important, and I was breathing in the new air; I was healing my body, and my mind could no longer tell me I was not good enough.
Because of the struggles of looking in the mirror, I was hesitant about facing that person again. I didn't know what I would see. But when I stepped in front of it, I saw a reflection of the woman I need to love, the woman who is on the journey of self-love and acceptance. I am okay, and I am in fact excellent. I am a healer. I am in the process of healing myself from the torture my mind has put me through. I am a strong woman, and I love it. I am me, and regardless of my past, regardless of my mistakes, of the words, I can't take back... I love and cherish every part of me.
I am a work in progress, but that is key to living authentically. But letting the love you have been denying yourself flow free within the body you call yours is a beautiful thing. I am sacred. You are sacred.
And the person in the mirror I see today means everything to me. The energy flowing in me is vibrant, and I see that spark of life behind my eyes when I look in the mirror.
The person in the mirror doesn't scare me now. I love her, and that self-acceptance keeps me going. The person in the mirror is beautiful and fabulously unique.
I am okay. In fact, I am excellent.
