Loving anyone can be hard, especially when you're around that person 24/7. Knowing all of their thoughts, feelings, dreams and secrets can be heavy. Knowing every wrong thing they've ever done can force a negative impact on your image of them. Thinking, all the time, nonstop, about how other people perceive them can ruin any kind of positive emotion entirely. Realizing all of these things about anyone else might make me strongly dislike them. However, though I know all of these things about myself, I make the choice daily to love myself.
Loving myself definitely isn't the easiest thing to do. It's hard to stay positive when I constantly remember all of the things I do wrong. I was mean to a girl in the ninth grade, I never show up to work on time, people seem to not like me because of all of the things I talk about. These thoughts haunt me day and night, reminding me, even during times when I am completely satisfied, that I should not be happy because of the terrible things I have done. My past follows me like a monster creeping in the shadows, always there, but invisible to everyone except me.
One day, I decided that I didn't like these unhappy thoughts. I turned off my playlist of sad music and I went to a professional. Since then, I have made a mental list that has helped me every day. Every item in the list starts off with "Kara, I love you, even though...", and I fill in the blank. "Kara, I love you, even though you aren't invited to many parties." "Kara, I love you, even though your crush doesn't like you back." "Kara, I love you, even though you're overly emotional." In times of doubt, I go to this mental list, and it never fails.
Because of this mental list, my self esteem has improved. I am able to smile more. I can breathe easier. Music is more vibrant. Colors are brighter. Nature is more beautiful. I appreciate the people around me and try to improve their lives, instead of moping about my own problems. I am able to see my life in a brand new perspective.
Of course, the bad thoughts still come. Loving yourself does not take away mental illnesses. I still have the fear that I am not good enough, the assumption that the people around me do not truly love me, the reminder that I am not as good as Mary Sue or John Smith. Through loving myself, however, I have accepted this. I do not need to be perfect to be worthy of love.
Before I loved myself, I was in a dark place. I felt as though I was drowning. People were telling me that it was easy not to drown. I reached out for help and was handed a life preserver. Before I loved myself, there were monsters in the shadows. Now, I am in the light, and the monsters are far, far away.
