What My Anxiety Is Really Like, Honest-To-God

What My Anxiety Is Really Like, Honest-To-God

Anxiety is different for everyone.
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In my own words, I want to describe my battle with anxiety.

My anxiety used to be the pounding in the chest, restless legs where I need to sit in boiling hot water in my ex boyfriends bathtub at 4am. My legs shaking profusely while driving where I need to pull over because I can't step on the breaks correctly.

Sometimes it made me very prone to depression, where I could be walking down the grocery store aisle and just start tearing up, with no expression in my face. And as I stared straight to the end of the aisle, letting the tears roll down as if they were invited to hydrate my face, I would get worried of letting myself feel whatever it was that I was supposed to feel, so I would quickly wipe them off, and go on. But now my anxiety is playing some really tough tricks in my head.

It's like a dark thing is trying to take control of my mind and has been for years. Like I've mentioned before, I wouldn't let depression touch me and I knew it was something I didn't want to feel. So I would deal with the physical changes, whether it be restless legs sitting in striking hot water, or pulling over so my damn legs would stop freaking tf out, or wiping my face and rejoining with my mom in the frozen food section.

And yes, from what you've read elsewhere, we don't know why the hell we're so worried, or why we feel anxious. Most of the time I want to figure it out, because it does feel so very underlying that maybe I am lying to myself, and maybe I am not okay and I need to let these dark emotions come out so that I do know what the hell is wrong.

Sometimes when it has been a while where nothing bad has happened, I get this annoying feeling again. It's like I feel some kind of guilt to myself for practicing good emotions and not enough bad emotions.

There's this deepness inside of me, though, that is greater than what's sharing it's space with the darkness inside, that makes sure to shine brighter and makes sure it radiates past my skin, showing through my real emotions and my real happiness I share with the others around me. It shines so bright that it pushes me to know I am stronger than my anxiety. Stronger than anything trying to break me down because I know that only I have the power to break myself down. But it's still there, and it will never go away.

I do take medication. I just started about a year ago. It has helped me never get to the point where I feel my chest caving in, or my legs shaking uncontrollably anymore. I do doze off, but it's very hard for me to cry. To cry about anything, to be honest. The only time I can cry is when I am crying of happy tears, like watching America's Got Talent auditions and Simon pushes the golden buzzer. Sometimes it makes me feel angry for not being able to feel things lately. I don't know for sure if my head is clear, because my anxiety is untouched. I know it's there, because my thoughts are still there. But I can't feel anything, and I really don't know if I am making the best decisions for myself or if it's a fake "I am happy now" stunt. Or... maybe that's just the anxiety itself talking.

The only thing that can save me right now, is another story. I need another story, another start. Something new, someone new, to make me feel sad all over again. To make me feel love and to be loved, all over again.

True happiness, to me, comes from a little sadness, otherwise it's all fake and played out. I need to feel angry about something. I need to feel jealous, I need to break down and get back up. I feel so stagnant, I feel lost. I feel like I am longing for something that I have been running away from for forever and a decade. I will probably never post this because I am rambling on about shit that doesn't make sense and makes me want to throw up.

Anxiety is different for everyone. Completely different for everyone, actually. This is just how my anxiety works. I've seen first hand what anxiety is like for someone who acts upon their anxiety with complete anger and destruction.

I've also seen someone with major anxiety be completely known for someone who doesn't stop complaining and whining. Anxiety can also lead people to severe depression, someone who doesn't like talking whatsoever. Anxiety is different for everyone.

Cover Image Credit: Personal Photo

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To The Boy Who Will Love Me Next

If you can't understand these few things, leave before things get too involved
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To the boy that will love me next, I need you to know and understand things about me and my past. The things I have been though not only have shaped the person I’ve become, but also sometimes controls my life. In the past I’ve been used, abused, and taken for granted, and I want something real this time. The guys before you were just boys; they didn’t know how to treat me until it was too late. They didn’t understand how to love me, until I broke my own heart. Before you truly decide to love me I want you to understand these things.

When I tell you something, please listen.

I’m my own person, I want to be loved a certain way. If I ask you to come over and watch movies with me please do it, if I ask for you to leave me alone for a few hours because it’s a girl’s night please do it. I don’t just say things to hear my own voice, I say things to you because it’s important to my life and the way I want to be loved. I’m not a needy person when it comes to being loved and cared for, but I do ask for you to do the small things that I am say.

Forgive my past.

My past is not a pretty brick road, it is a highway that has a bunch of potholes and cracks in it. I have a lot of baggage, and most of it you won’t understand. But don’t let my past decided whether you want to love me or not. My past has helped form who I am today, but it does not define who I am. My past experiences might try and make an appearance every once in a while, but I will not go back to that person I once was, I will not return to all that hurt I once went though. When I say those things, I’m telling the complete and honest truth. I relive my past every day, somethings haunt me and somethings are good reminds. But for you to love me, I need you to accept my past, present and future.

I’m just another bro to the other guys.

I have always hung out with boys, I don’t fit in with the girl groups. I have 10 close girlfriends, but the majority of my friends are guy, but don’t let this scare you. If I wanted to be with one of my guy friends I would already be with him, and if you haven’t noticed I don’t want them because I’m with you. I will not lose my friendships with all my guy friends to be able to stay with you. I will not cut off ties because you don’t like my guy friends. I have lost too many buddies because of my ex-boyfriends and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again. If you don’t like how many guy friends I have you can leave now. Don’t bother trying to date me if you can accept the fact I’m just another bro.

I might be a badass, but I actually have a big heart.

To a lot of people I come off to be a very crazy and wild girl. I will agree I can be crazy and wild, but I’m more than that. I’m independent, caring, responsible, understanding, forgiving, and so such more type of woman. Many people think that I’m a badass because I don’t take any negatively from anyone. Just like we learned when we were younger, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Most people can’t do that in today’s world, so I stick up for myself and my friends. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, or their option on how I live my life. The only thing I care about is being able to make myself happy. Even though I’m an independent woman, understand that I do have a big heart. Honesty when I truly care for someone I will do just about anything they ask, but don’t take advantage of this. Once you take advantage of this part of me, all respect will be lost for you.

I’m hard to love.

Sometimes I want to be cuddle and get attention, and sometimes I don’t want you to talk to me for a couple hours. Sometimes I want you to take me out for a nice meal, but sometimes I want a home cooked meal. Every day is different for me, sometimes I change my mind every hour. My mood swings are terrible on certain days, and on those days you should probably just ignore me. I’m not easy to love, so you’ll either be willing to find a way to love me, or you’ll walk out like so many others have.

I’m scared.

I’m scared to love someone again. I’ve been hurt, heartbroken, and beat to the ground in my past relationships. I want to believe you are different, I want to hope things will truly work out, but every relationship has always ended up the same way. I’m scared to trust someone, put my whole heart into them, just to be left and heartbroken again. I sick and tired of putting my whole body and soul into someone for them to just leave when it is convenient for them. If you want to love me, understand it won’t be easy for me to love you back.

When “I’m done.”

When I say “I’m done” I honestly don’t mean that I’m done. When I say that it means I need and want you to fight for me, show me why you want to be with me. I need you to prove that I’m worth it and there’s no one else but me. If I was truly done, I would just walk away, and not come back. So if I ever tell you, “I’m done,” tell me all the reasons why I’m truly not done.

For the boy who will love me next, the work is cut out for you, you just have to be willing to do it. I’m not like other girls, I am my own person, and I will need to be treated as such. For the boy that will love me next, don’t bother with me unless you really want to be with me. I don’t have time to waste on you if you aren’t going to try and make something out of us. To the boy who will love me next, the last thing I would like to say is good luck, I have faith in you.

Cover Image Credit: Danielle Balint

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A Day In The Life Of A Socially Anxious Person

"I better lower the volume of my phone. Someone sitting next to me might hear what music I'm listening to and judge my song choice."

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According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), social anxiety disorder affects 15 million adults in the United States. It is one of the most common mental illness and yet a lot of people don't know what social anxiety disorder (SAD) exactly is and have misconceptions about it. Social anxiety is often misunderstood as shyness. However, SAD goes beyond shyness. For someone with SAD, daily social interactions can be stressful to handle because of fear of negative evaluation and embarrassment.

To eliminate misunderstandings and spread awareness about SAD, here's a picture diary of what a day in the life of a socially anxious person looks like.

8:30 a.m.

"I better hurry and switch off my alarm before my roommate wakes up. I'm afraid she might hate me for waking her up this early."

12:00 p.m.

"I know the answer to this question but I'm too scared to answer. What if it is wrong and I embarrass myself in front of everyone?"

3:00 p.m.

"I better lower the volume of my phone. Someone sitting next to me might hear what music I'm listening to and judge my song choice."

5:00 p.m.

"I better keep practicing my order in my head otherwise I might stumble upon my words and make a fool of myself."

7:00 p.m.

"I am just going to delay answering this call as I'm afraid to answer the phone. I don't know who is on the other side and am not exactly sure what to say."

10:00 p.m.

"I'd rather not sleep, as if I try to, I'll be reevaluating all the embarrassing moments of my day."

Along with these thoughts, a person suffering from SAD might also experience physical symptoms like nausea, dizziness, flushing, palpitations, shortness of breath and tightness in the chest. If your day looks anything like the picture diary above and you have been experiencing physical symptoms, do not be afraid to seek help.

According to a survey conducted by ADAA, 36% of people with social anxiety disorder report experiencing symptoms for 10 or more years before seeking help. If you are someone who is suffering from SAD, always remember that there's hope. Always seek help as social anxiety disorder is treatable through medication and therapy.

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