What My Anxiety Is Really Like, Honest-To-God

What My Anxiety Is Really Like, Honest-To-God

Anxiety is different for everyone.
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In my own words, I want to describe my battle with anxiety.

My anxiety used to be the pounding in the chest, restless legs where I need to sit in boiling hot water in my ex boyfriends bathtub at 4am. My legs shaking profusely while driving where I need to pull over because I can't step on the breaks correctly.

Sometimes it made me very prone to depression, where I could be walking down the grocery store aisle and just start tearing up, with no expression in my face. And as I stared straight to the end of the aisle, letting the tears roll down as if they were invited to hydrate my face, I would get worried of letting myself feel whatever it was that I was supposed to feel, so I would quickly wipe them off, and go on. But now my anxiety is playing some really tough tricks in my head.

It's like a dark thing is trying to take control of my mind and has been for years. Like I've mentioned before, I wouldn't let depression touch me and I knew it was something I didn't want to feel. So I would deal with the physical changes, whether it be restless legs sitting in striking hot water, or pulling over so my damn legs would stop freaking tf out, or wiping my face and rejoining with my mom in the frozen food section.

And yes, from what you've read elsewhere, we don't know why the hell we're so worried, or why we feel anxious. Most of the time I want to figure it out, because it does feel so very underlying that maybe I am lying to myself, and maybe I am not okay and I need to let these dark emotions come out so that I do know what the hell is wrong.

Sometimes when it has been a while where nothing bad has happened, I get this annoying feeling again. It's like I feel some kind of guilt to myself for practicing good emotions and not enough bad emotions.

There's this deepness inside of me, though, that is greater than what's sharing it's space with the darkness inside, that makes sure to shine brighter and makes sure it radiates past my skin, showing through my real emotions and my real happiness I share with the others around me. It shines so bright that it pushes me to know I am stronger than my anxiety. Stronger than anything trying to break me down because I know that only I have the power to break myself down. But it's still there, and it will never go away.

I do take medication. I just started about a year ago. It has helped me never get to the point where I feel my chest caving in, or my legs shaking uncontrollably anymore. I do doze off, but it's very hard for me to cry. To cry about anything, to be honest. The only time I can cry is when I am crying of happy tears, like watching America's Got Talent auditions and Simon pushes the golden buzzer. Sometimes it makes me feel angry for not being able to feel things lately. I don't know for sure if my head is clear, because my anxiety is untouched. I know it's there, because my thoughts are still there. But I can't feel anything, and I really don't know if I am making the best decisions for myself or if it's a fake "I am happy now" stunt. Or... maybe that's just the anxiety itself talking.

The only thing that can save me right now, is another story. I need another story, another start. Something new, someone new, to make me feel sad all over again. To make me feel love and to be loved, all over again.

True happiness, to me, comes from a little sadness, otherwise it's all fake and played out. I need to feel angry about something. I need to feel jealous, I need to break down and get back up. I feel so stagnant, I feel lost. I feel like I am longing for something that I have been running away from for forever and a decade. I will probably never post this because I am rambling on about shit that doesn't make sense and makes me want to throw up.

Anxiety is different for everyone. Completely different for everyone, actually. This is just how my anxiety works. I've seen first hand what anxiety is like for someone who acts upon their anxiety with complete anger and destruction.

I've also seen someone with major anxiety be completely known for someone who doesn't stop complaining and whining. Anxiety can also lead people to severe depression, someone who doesn't like talking whatsoever. Anxiety is different for everyone.

Cover Image Credit: Personal Photo

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Well, Here I Am Again Writing An Article At 2 AM Because My Anxiety Is Not Letting Me Sleep

My anxious thoughts late at night are horrible.

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Life is crazy and rough and sometimes sucks. My anxiety has been at its worst this semester, and if I'm being honest - it's driving me insane. I have lost sleep because of it. I have missed classes because of it. I have skipped out on being around friends because of it. The last one is the one that always confuses me, though. I'm at my happiest when I'm around people. I love it, but lately, there have been multiple days where I would rather curl up in a ball and cry.

I struggle to breathe. I struggle to keep up with life. I have all of these thoughts racing through my head. One after the other, trying to see which one will be victorious. However, all of them are victorious because they all have me wide awake. I haven't had a decent night of sleep in a while. At this point, I could probably say its been almost a year since I slept well.

It's yet another night. 2 a.m. and I'm wide awake, crippling with thoughts I want out of my head.

It's constant. It never really stops. I can hear it early in the morning, as I eat my lunch when I'm walking to class, and especially late at night. Right now, the thought screaming the loudest is "No one likes you. That's why you're here and not there." I know it's not true.

My anxious thoughts late at night are horrible. I hate them. They irritate me. They keep me up all hours of the night. I toss and turn for hours on end wishing for all of these anxious thoughts to end. I think about things from years ago. I think about things from yesterday. These things never seem to end.

My anxiety has been horrible lately. I haven't been able to get a proper night's sleep in months. I've averaged 3-4 hours a night. I hate it. My mind won't turn off. The racing thoughts never seem to end. I am sick of it. I want to get out of this, but I just can't. Why is this happening?

I have not been able to breathe properly in weeks. I have to physically stop, breathe in deeply, and practically yawn to catch my breath. Why? Why is this happening? I hate it. I'm so stressed from life. This needs to stop.

My body is weak. My mind is no longer concentrating. I want to run away from all of this, but I know that is not how I should handle it. This needs to end. My days can no longer be filled with hopes of a class being canceled or pretending like it is so I don't have to go.

Anxiety has overtaken my life, and I am sick of it. I am ready for it to leave. It won't though. It will continue to reside in my body. I hate it. I can't breathe. I want to cry, but I just can't. I'm sick of this. Anxiety can f*ck off because it has no business taking control of my life.

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