Even though I've never really had an official boyfriend, I've had my share of relationships (or almost-ones for that matter). As I reflect on my past experiences with the opposite sex, I notice all of the things I've done wrong, things that I have learned from and wished I knew then.
Therefore, these past relationships are not just mistakes, rather than learning experiences of what to do or not to when it comes to dating, or even something that you learned about yourself. While things may have ended semi-badly, I do thank the former men in my life for the memories and the lessons.
The first lesson, which is the most important lesson of all is basically to be yourself, and make sure you have other things going on in your life besides the relationship. Don't give up on friends, interests, and dreams just to be with someone. You are you for a reason. You need to keep that fire that only you have even when you have a plus one. Yes, I know it sounds like a stupid point, but at 15 I thought that was OK. It's not.
The second lesson is to learn to trust. My dad left my mother and I when I was two years old, and I never had a relationship with my father. This without a doubt has done damage to my relationships with men, because I always assumed that they would do what my dad did.
It took a therapist to make me realize that this is actually normal, because having that experience made me think trusting people will only lead to getting hurt, since that has happened previously. The same mentality applies to past relationships as well. However, here's the thing.
Not everyone is going to hurt you like they did, simply because they are not that same person. Sure, it's going to take a little time before you feel completely comfortable with them, and it's going to take a little longer before you can safely trust them. And that's OK. (Just be sure to tell them about your experience so that they understand where you're coming from.)
The third lesson is to understand what your wants and needs are, and create boundaries that make you comfortable. (And ultimately stick to them.) Boundaries are extremely exclusive to you, because each and every one has their own comfort level.
For one person, they might be OK with having sex earlier on in the relationship, while another may want to wait until some time. Both of these are OK. The thing about boundaries is that they are those limits that can be pushed slowly but surely, but can't be jumped over. If someone is receptive and respectful of those boundaries, then they would be a good person for you. If not, then they aren't the right fit for you.
As I get older and semi-wiser, I look at my shelf of lessons from the people whom I once loved. I cringe at some of the things I've done, but realize that at the time, I thought it was OK to do or to think. While my shelf isn't stacked as high as my peers', I do thank each and every one of the books in it, for they have caused me to grow and blossom to the person I am today.
Therefore, when looking back to the past, I cannot help but think each of these people were in my life for one reason only -- to teach me something, to make me a better Natalie for the person who I am truly meant to be with.
And, no matter whether or not I haven't talked to them in several years or months, they are a part of me. They are forever carved into my heart, and they have a place of their own to call home. They are numbers in my phone that I will never call or text again, and probably should delete. I can never erase the fact that they once existed, however, and I can use each of the things I've learned for the person who fills the vacancy permanently.You know... the “soul mate” everyone talks about.
