Over the past year and a half, I have stood at the doorway of death way more than I would like to admit. I have spent many hours in hospital rooms and doctor's offices. I have had test after test to figure out what's going on with me. I've been on week-long EKG's, I've had severe allergic reactions, which landed me in many different ERs, and I've had sleepless nights full of body pain and a racing heart. I've even lost consciousness and memories, due to all the medications they've tried to put me on for my heart. Life has not been easy.
I don’t say all of these things for sympathy, not in the least. I say these things to remind you how unpredictable life is. I never wanted any of those things to happen. I never wanted PTSD from the near-death experiences I’ve had. I never wanted any of that. I just wanted to live the normal college life. I wanted to have fun, make friends, and never forget my college years. Be careful what you pray for. I guarantee I will never forget my college years, but it’s not in the way I wanted to remember them. I wanted to remember nights with friends, not nights spent in hospitals.
One of the things I’ve learned through the last year and a half of my life is that I am not in control, but I am deeply loved by the One who is. When I would wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing at 120 beats per minute, I had zero control. When I woke up at 6 a.m. with anaphylactic shock, I had zero control. When my heart started beating blood the wrong way through my body, and my arm lost all circulation, I had zero control. I am constantly reminded of God's great power in my life.
To many, these sound like extremely traumatic experiences. I would be lying to you if I said they were easy. Yet, after experiencing all of it, I have peace. I know the chances of all of these happening again are very high -- after all, I do have diagnosed heart conditions and allergies. Yet, I have peace. I know there is a reason why I have experienced all of these near-death experiences. I know that my left arm lost circulation, and not my right, for a reason. I know God has a purpose for all of it.
In July of 2015, I got a tattoo on my left wrist, which is shown at the top of this article. It has a G, a greater than symbol, an arrow up, and an arrow down. This is a small, yet significant reminder that God is greater than the highs and the lows. Little did I know, I would be experiencing the lowest of the lows in the coming months.
Nothing is more humbling than when you are going through a serious situation, and a nurse asks what the tattoo means. It was almost as if God was reminding me, “I am greater, Jen. You have to trust My plan. I will carry you.” Every time I told a nurse what the tattoo meant, I was reminded nothing is too big for God. No heart condition, anaphylactic shock, heartbreak, or medical condition is too big for God.
After coming home from the hospital all of those times, I felt weak and useless. I felt undeserving of the magnitude of life and all of life’s beauty. I felt as though I took everything for granted. All of the sunrises, the sunsets, the beaches, the kayak trips, the hiking trips- all of it. I took it all for granted. I expected to live another day, another year. I expected to survive the night.
Now, my perception has drastically changed. Every morning I wake up thankful for the opportunity to see another day. I am thankful to have survived the night. I’ve learned life is not about the big things -- like weddings or graduations. Life is found in the small things. Life is found in the blues, pinks, and purples of the morning sun. Life is found in the way the breeze makes the trees sing. Life is found in the way the sun gently kisses our skin cells. Life is found in the way our cells perfectly split at just the right time so we don’t have cancer. Life is found in the times we laugh, as well as in the times we cry.
There is so much life to be chased in the world; there are so many ways to live. Through all of my experiences, I’ve noticed something: I’ve never actually lived until I’ve almost died. How pathetic is it that we need something like death to wake our hibernating hearts, minds, and adventurous spirits? Before these experiences, I have never fully loved anyone. I have never given my heart to anyone, and I’ve never opened myself up to allow myself to feel deep, raw emotions. Now, I genuinely love people. I realized how many people are suffering in silence, and I don’t want to add to their battles. I realized the frailness of this life. I realized what’s really important.
Often, people get so upset about how someone cut them off in traffic, or how the accident on 476 made them late for work. However, when you experience a near-death experience, your perception changes. You become thankful for the small inconveniences of daily life. You become thankful you weren’t in the accident that made you late for work. You become thankful that the person who cut you off didn’t hit you. You become thankful for everything in some way, shape, or form.
Perception has the opportunity to be a beautiful or poisonous gift. After every experience, we have the opportunity to let it define us, or refine us. We have the opportunity to see how situations ruined us, or helped us grow -- I really hope you pick the latter. Life is all about perception. Yeah, you woke up in the middle of the night from a terrible nightmare, but you were alive and able to wake up. You didn’t wake up on the streets of center city, you woke up in your bed. Your nightmare was just in your dream, it wasn’t real. Perception is what gets me through the day.
Without a perception filled with hope and God, you will feel empty at the end of the day. You will feel as though there is no purpose to live. You will become so engulfed in your own struggles, you’ll forget to reach out to other people who are also struggling. You’ll forget life is a gift. You’ll forget to use your beautiful gift to help other broken people. You’ll overlook the obvious beauty of your day-to-day life. You’ll forget this beautiful life also involves a not-so-beautiful death.
Naturally, death isn’t meant to be a terrible thing. Death is meant to allow an individual to stop feeling pain or the traumas involved when the body slowly starts shutting down. Death, although terrifying to some, no longer scares me as much as it once did. Due to all of these health issues, I have made sure to make my heart right with God. I have made sure to intentionally thank God for every day I have been given, and to ask Him for forgiveness when I don’t accurately portray His image. Life isn’t meant to be lived in fear. Life is meant for us to experience beautiful masterpieces we would not otherwise be able to witness. Life is meant to be meaningful.
I challenge you to find one thing every day you’re thankful for. Whether it’s something as small as being alive, something as complex as having our cells split perfectly so we don’t have cancer, or something like a marriage. Find something to encourage you to live. Not just survive, but to really live this life. Do something you love to do. Find something, or someone, who encourages you to appreciate life. Find a new scenery that takes your breath away, or go back to a childhood vacation spot.
No matter what you decide to do with the limited days of your life, I hope you find beauty in it. I hope you genuinely love your life and all you have. I hope you start living without the experience of almost dying. I hope you fall deeply in love with every aspect of your beautifully complex and fragile life.
