You are not a victim. You are a survivor. You are a fighter. You are a warrior. You are a survivor because you survived a tragedy, this is something most people never have to do. You are a fighter because you fight daily to make your life better. You are a warrior because PTSD comes with so many daily battles most people will never experience, or understand.
What is it like, people ask? One of the hardest questions I have ever had to answer. For those of you who have to ask, consider yourself fortunate.
Living with PTSD is like constantly living in a nightmare. That tragedy that you experienced, you can be sucked back into at anytime. They tell you that you have control, but it feels the opposite. You see when you live with this disorder your brain does things to itself that you do not even understand. You live battling your own thoughts.
From the moment you wake up you can go back anytime. It can be anything, a smell, a sound, the look of something, some triggers are not even recognizable, and you are back in. You are sucked back into the worst moment of your entire life.
The flashbacks. One minute everything is fine, you are in the moment. Then a trigger comes out of no where, sometimes there is not even time to recognize it, and you are back. Back to where you never wanted to go. It is like constantly reliving hell. Everything seems so real. You hear the screams, you see the tragedy more vividly than ever before. It's real.
The sleepless nights. Nights are spent staring at the ceiling because your brain will not shut off. Your brain is constantly trying to protect you, it never takes a break. This is why you are constantly exhausted. You spend nights trying to process what happened, all while trying to calm yourself down.
Panic Attacks and Pseudoseizures. Panic Attacks they feel as if you are dying. Another protection mode your body goes in to. These too come out of no where. From being overwhelmed, scared, or anxious. Your body doesn't know whether to fight or flight and it freaks out, but with PTSD everything is overanalyzed so there really is nothing to be afraid of. The pseudoseizures which are not heard of often. The shutting down your brain does when it's too anxious. The shaking your body does to try and recover from the tragedy.
What people do not understand about PTSD is that it is a constant battle every single day. Your brain is forever rewired by this tragedy. PTSD warriors as I like to call us, are not victims. We experienced tragedies and we fight every single day to overcome. Some days are very hard, and some days are better.
People who live with this disorder do not get enough credit, nor do we give ourselves enough credit. From the second we wake up, to the minute we fall asleep it is battle after battle. There are many sleepless nights, unwanted flashbacks, irrational anxieties and fears, many breakdowns, and many victories. People living with PTSD are so much more than just people, they are Jesus warriors, here to let him shine through every single day. I am blessed to be one.
