Starting Over....

WARNING: This is not a hopeful post, not in the beginning at least. This is a story. This a story about starting over. This is a story about finding yourself. This is a story about trying to find hope. Read if you need hope. Read if you’ve hurt so bad you’ve thought about ending your life or not wanted to get out of bed.

Have you ever had anything happen in your life that just destroyed your whole being?

Not only did cut through the outer layer of your skin but it shattered the very bones that protected your very fragile heart inside.

Once inside your ribcage, it tore through your organs, ripping them apart one by one as you lay there on your bed, not knowing how or when you will be able to move or function again.

Then when it feels like it can’t get any worse, the beast moves on to your oh so fragile heart and drags its jagged claws right down the middle, letting the blood pour from your once beating heart, so full of love and hope.

There you lay, gasping for hair, crying so hard you can’t breathe, as the beast inside you tears you apart.

Through your agony, tears, and bleeding heart, you realize life will never the same. And when you think life can’t get any worse, life CAN and WILL.

NEVER think to yourself what else can go wrong? Because something else can always go wrong and sometimes it is something that you’ll least expect and it’s the thing that will tear you apart the most.

Hurting

When we hurt, we try to pour ourselves into things that make us feel better. Whether that be spending time with our friends, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, sleeping, working more, working less, reading, listening to music, vacation, spending money, playing video games, watching TV, etc. we all do something that helps us or at least we think does.

Nothing helps me. That’s the problem with depression. Imagine when you’re feeling down, there is nothing that helps, not even the slightest. Some of you have escapes, something that gives you happiness even in your darkest times, some of us don’t. People don’t always cause unhappiness; unhappiness has many features but life events trigger it and then depression sees its chance to strike and consumes you. Then there isn’t anything to help you find happiness in any life events, even if there is some.

When I’m down, I cut people out. I stop talking to people who care. I don’t want to drag them down with me. I want to be left alone to fight my own demons that consume me. I make decisions that sometimes aren’t the best, risky decisions because I don’t care what happens. I pour myself into schoolwork in hopes that I make it that far in life that someday, maybe, I’ll be able to help others who suffer.

If people ignore you after a traumatic event they experienced, it’s not because they don’t care or don't love you. It’s because they don’t want to bother you with their pain and suffering. They don’t want your opinions because they know some of their decisions aren’t the best already. (I’m sorry to my friends and family I don’t respond to, I hope you understand.)

Going Forward

Honestly, I don’t know how to go forward. I’m still working this part out myself. I try to remember the good memories I have but we all know how that works when we are grieving. Putting duct tape on a cut up heart doesn’t really work unless you only want a short-term fix, which is what people find when they consume/use drugs and alcohol.

What I know for sure is that we have to work from the inside out because if we sew about the skin first, then the bones, organs, and heart are still going to be torn up in the long run. The best thing I’ve done so far is make a huge life change. Something that I normally did every day, I no longer do. This is something that is personal and I’d rather not disclose but this is something that you can do too.

This could be giving up or adding a daily activity into your lifestyle. Giving up examples could be gluten (it does give you energy, I used be gluten free), alcohol, drugs, smoking, junk food, etc. (whatever habit that could affect YOU negatively. We are all different, so these may not pertain to you). Adding to your daily routine could be: exercise, calling a loved one, listening to your favorite music, read something inspirational, giving a compliment, etc. (You can come up with your own or use Google).

All I can say is since I’ve made my life change I’ve been feeling much better. I was pushed to do this but sometimes what you need is a push and let me be that push for you. Fix that cut up heart so you can work on those torn organs and broken bones next.

On the note of fixing torn organs, just keep doing things you’re good at. If you say you’re not good at anything, that’s bull because I know, and people around you know, that you are indeed good at something. Want to know what you’re good at? You’re good at reading, you’re good at understanding, and you’re good at following through because you’ve made it this far in this post so HA. You’re good at something. So read inspirational things, maybe it’ll inspire you to write little inspirational tidbits. Feel free to send them to me; maybe I can use them in my writing.

I’m good at school; so I force myself to study and get good grades even though it’s stressful and is awful but it’s distracting and sometimes we need that distraction to help us cope.

It’s not always easy to push yourself. Trust me, I get it. It’s a lot easier to give up and just lie in bed all day and cry. I find myself wanting to do that a lot more often than I should but it isn’t helping that healing process. You have to try to better yourself.

Taking a Step Back

I know this sound confusing but you’re going to backtrack. You’re going to stumble and fall but that’s okay. Reflect and see if you’re going where you want to go. Am I doing what I want to do? Is this the best decision for me? I’m not sure what’s right for me at this time so I’m just riding the waves of life and seeing where it takes me, trying to keep my head above the water.

I know I don’t want to live in Michigan any longer than I have to. I don’t enjoy this weather. I don’t enjoy the kind of people that are here. And people will say that “oh you’ll find nasty people everywhere you go” and that is somewhat true but not like this. If you go somewhere down south, you will find some of the NICEST people you’ll ever meet. They are so willing to help you and be your friend whereas people here want nothing to do with helping tourists or people in general. They turn their heads and walk the other way as if others are not worthy of their time. People down south, from my experience, if you even look slightly confused, they ask if you need help and will physically show you where you need to go, without hesitation, even if it’s out of their way.

Sometimes a BIG change is necessary in life. Not saying everyone should jump ship and move but the big question is where do you want to be in life? A lot of us are young and have big decisions to make and others who aren’t so young anymore, it’s NEVER too late to change your lifestyle.

What About my Broken Ribs?

When taking a step back, you’re helping to fix those broken ribs. Did I live my day the way I wanted to? Did I make decisions that made me proud of myself? Should I have done anything differently?

The other day I was having an awful day, I couldn’t get my prescriptions filled for a stupid reason and walked out of the doctor’s office in a mess, proud that I handled myself semi-professionally. Then I saw someone that looked identical to my Nana and I literally almost walked into that family’s car and asked for a hug like a psycho. Instead, I walked into the pharmacy in tears, still looking like a nut. It was a BAD day. Should I have done things differently? Maybe. Did I handle things well? Somewhat. Why am I telling you this? Because there is always tomorrow, another day to live.

A couple days later, I was in town and walked in a chocolate store. I had never been there before so I was just browsing around, taking my time. An older woman and her grandson were checking out near me and she went to pay with her credit card but they had to have a minimum purchase of $7.35 or something to use it. They turned to leave, with no chocolate in hand, and I ran to the counter and offered to pay. The woman said no but I insisted, I always kept cash on me just in case and I didn’t care the price, the boy deserved his chocolate. She tried to put part of the purchase back but I wouldn’t let the cashier, I just told the woman to pay it forward sometime. They thanked me and left and the cashier was in awe at what I did. All I told her was “More people need to be like that and the world would be a better place.”

I felt my broken bones start to heal in that moment. The physical cost was so little. But the outcome was huge. For the first time in days, maybe months, I felt warm and fuzzy inside like I finally did something right, that I wasn’t just a wreck. That woman felt like I did her a huge favor when in all honesty, she did ME a favor. She gave me an emotion I forgot existed, I finally felt somewhat human again. Try helping other people, it can affect you in such a positive way. Sometimes it really is the little things in life that can give you hope. To be able to help that woman, gave me meaning and it gave me purpose.

Battle Scars

The sad fact of this all is that you’ll never be the same, once the beast has been inside you and has torn you all to pieces, you will forever be scarred. The most important about starting over is how you use your scars to your advantage in changing yourself to be a better person and learning from the past.

It will take time. This is a 3-month process. This isn’t even a year process. This takes a long time. We all heal differently. Just know you’re not the only one that has had to start over from some form of tragedy in life. Or the only one that has been hit with more than one in a short period of time. By tragedy, I mean life-altering event for you, that’s significant enough to be considered a tragedy to me.

You’re going to make bad decisions after it. It’s human nature to mess up. The best you can do is learn from them and move on. Don't let them haunt you. I have for a while but I’m working on moving on from them. I have STOPPED making them and that’s the most important thing. Don’t continue to go down the wrong path.

Use your battle scars to your advantage.

Stay strong friends.

I’m here if you want to talk or share stories.

I love you all.