Excerpt from a journal entry written November 25th, 2014.
About 6 months had passed since I’d seen Tayo. Although I had only heard from him on the rare occasion, so this wasn't completely abnormal. I get a message on Instagram from a friend of his, Eric, asking for my number – that there was something important I needed to know. My first and only thought was that something had happened to Tayo. I was thinking he was in the hospital getting cured from his partying tendencies. But the news I got when the phone rang was beyond heart breaking and earth shattering. It went a little something like this:
Eric: Hey…so when was the last time you spoke with Tayo?
Me: Um…probably sometime this summer. Why?
Eric: Well…Tayo…Tayo committed suicide on Friday
Me: What…? What?! Are you serious?!
Eric was so serious…beyond serious. I was speechless and completely crushed and confused. There were so many emotions swirling in my head. I told Eric to please keep me informed of anything I could do and about the service that would inevitably take place. I could feel my stomach fall from my body. My heart started beating faster and I could hardly breath. I just crumpled to the floor and let out the most painful cry I think I’ve ever made in my life. Tears were just flooding from my eyes. My whole body was shaking. I couldn’t process what I’d just heard. I immediately go over to my neighbor, Roddy, who at the time was my closest friend. I knock on the door and he opened it to find this small, pathetic girl weeping and stammering about her friend being dead. How her friend committed suicide. And oh my God what’s going on. I’ve never felt so weak and helpless and in those moments I put all of my emotions out. I was raw and completely unable to show any kind of decorum. I hugged Roddy and just sobbed into his chest. I needed that hug so bad…it’s probably what kept me standing for those minutes I was trying to breathe and collect myself. I apologized to him for being weak, for showing up at his door a mess, a pathetic college student.
I go back to my apartment and try calling my mother, but she doesn’t answer. So I call my dad and tell him what happened. His response seemed rather unemotional and just upset me even more.
Church was about to start. I decided to lean on my faith in my time of need and I went to church, wiping the tears from my eyes as I walked to the chapel. I finally got a hold of my mother and told her what happened and it sounded as if she almost swerved off the road. I told her I had to go to church and so I went. As soon as I walked in, my church family could tell something was wrong. Roddy was there and looked at me like I was a kicked puppy. I could see the pity in his eyes and it wasn’t something I wanted to see. I paid absolutely no attention to the service and cried the whole time trying to avoid eye contact with everybody. But of course, the preacher had seen me crying the whole time and asked me what was wrong. Whenever I stammered out what happened he decided to have my youth group pray for me. Don’t get me wrong…I like prayer, but at that moment I had the deepest desire to go back to my apartment, pack up everything, and drive home as fast as I could. I needed to be close to my family and Tayo’s friends and family. I needed to grieve with someone there to hold me.
I think I cried the majority of the way home. I know I had an awful headache because of it. I get home and just break down again. I meet with Tayo’s friends to talk about what happened. I was in complete disbelief. I tried to just relax at home, but ended up going to Jesse, another friend of Tayo's. Jesse and I sat and talked about our favorite memories of Tayo. That made me feel a little bit better. Afterwards, I came home and took some sleeping pills to try to help me fall asleep, but I ended up crying myself to sleep instead.
I didn’t go to school or work on Monday. I completely dipped out of my obligations for that day. On Monday, I baked cookies and waited for Tayo’s mother to get back from the mortuary in Columbia, SC – where he killed himself. She didn’t get back in time for me to see her, but that day I went and stood by Jesse as he told some of Tayo’s favorite teachers what had happened. Then we went to see Tayo’s grandma and try to comfort her. That day was one of the hardest days of this healing process. Tayo has a younger sister, Tessa, who is about 3 years old. I’ve never felt my heart break as much as I did when I heard that little girl ask Jesse where Tayo was. Tears trickled down my face and I looked up at Jessee and could see his face scrunched in pain as he held back tears and said I don’t know. Tessa looked at here grandma and asked the same question. I could see her grandma’s eyes filling with tears and grabbed the cookies I baked and distracted Tessa with one. We all talked for a little bit while Tessa ate cookies and watched Arthur. I saw Jessee walk into Tayo’s room and I looked at Tayo’s grandma. I guess she could tell that I was asking if it was okay for me to go in there too. She jerked her head toward Tayo’s room and gave me a slight smile.
When I walked into Tayo’s room it was surreal. I remember being there in March or so with him. The room felt empty even though it was still full of his things. It smelled like him and all the memories of him came flooding into my mind. I was next to Jesse and tears started streaming down my face. I knew Jesse was hurting to so I just grabbed onto him and cried. The days when the loss of Tayo was still fresh were the days I needed those deep kinds of hugs the most. The kind of hug that says, “it’s going to be okay.“ The kind of hug that says, “I’ve got you; I feel your pain.”
Jesse and I left around 5 that night and I packed my stuff up and headed back to Coker. I just remember feeling broken and sad and so alone. Everyone kept asking if I was okay, saying that they were so sorry, telling me to let them know what they could do for me. All of that concern felt empty and meaningless. I was angry with everyone because there was no way that they could possibly know how I felt. There was no way that anyone could make this better. I didn’t put on make up or make any effort in my appearance until Thursday night.
Thursday night, one of my great friends, Drew, went out with me on the town. We walked to all the shops, had Italian food for dinner, and went on a carriage ride. I remember actually laughing and smiling that whole time. I was so grateful for Drew. He didn’t ask if I was okay or how I was feeling or what he could do to make it better. He just treated me like normal. He treated me like nothing was the matter. We joked with each other like usual.
Friday came faster than I had expected and that was the day I would travel back home to finally see Tayo’s mom and step-dad who I hadn’t seen in about 4 years! I didn’t work on Friday either so I could get home in time to see Maryanne, Tayo’s mom, and Kyle, Tayo’s step-dad. I was anxious and excited and sad all at the same time. I didn’t know what I would say to them. I had no idea what emotions might come out when I saw his mother. Both Maryanne and Kyle hugged me and said that I looked great. They really couldn’t believe how much I’d grown up. I didn’t feel like crying that day. I told myself I would cry on Saturday and that would be it. I asked if there was anything I could do to help. They set me to work folding paper bags to make luminaries that would spell out Tayo’s name and light the drive way for the bonfire the next night. I made small talk with his extended family and they asked how I knew Tayo. I pretty much told them the story of me and Tayo – hinting only slightly at how much I loved him.
Whenever I had to leave I said goodbye to Maryanne and Kyle and told them if they needed anything tomorrow to just let me know. I knew that they wouldn’t actually call me so I reminded myself to ask them again on Saturday before the service. Maryanne hugged me and then Kyle hugged me and told me how much I meant to Tayo. That didn’t bring me to tears until I was alone in my car where no one could see me be weak.
Saturday morning came and I woke up early to get ready in case my help was needed. And my help was needed; I had to drive to the Starbucks in Augusta and pick up coffee for the service. By the time I got back from there and to the service, it was about to start. I sat down and listened to close family and friends share stories about Tayo and why he might have committed suicide and how he wanted everyone to live a happy life. I bawled…almost uncontrollably. I remember Christi, Tayo’s aunt, saying that Tayo had committed the most selfish act as un-selfishly as possible because he didn’t let anyone know he was hurting because he didn’t want anyone to feel guilty for his death.
After all of the talking was done I found Haleigh, Tayo’s ex, and we hugged and cried. And it was one of those hugs I mentioned earlier – the kind that tries to help put you back together. I made my way through the memorabilia of Tayo and got a copy of his letter he left and a piece of his favorite blanket. I put those things in my memory box of Tayo. I hugged Maryanne goodbye telling her that I would see her at 5. She told me that Tayo had great memories from me, especially when he visited me. Whenever she hugged me though, I broke down crying and started apologizing, but she just hugged tighter. She asked whom I was talking to about how I was feeling. I told her nobody and she looked me in the eye and told me that I needed to have an answer to that question whenever I saw her again. Next to hug was Kyle. I hugged him and whispered, “I love you guys so much.” He hugged tighter and told me that I gave Tayo some great memories. That I really meant a lot to him. Both of them told me to make sure I kept in touch.
Before going to the bonfire, I grabbed two things – my memory box of Tayo and a mini bottle of Jose Cuervo Singe. I was going to show the memory box to Maryanne. I got to the bonfire and everyone seemed a little happier than they were before. There was a sense of relief in the air. We had all gotten over the first and hardest hurdle – finally accepting that Tayo was gone. There was a fire and friends and family lighted the luminaries I had helped make the previous night. There was keg and lots of liquor and food. I drank my Jose Cuervo, two beers, and a gin and tonic – let me tell you I was feeling pretty happy by the end of the night. I talked with friends and family about Tayo and all the great memories we had of him. We all laughed and smiled.
Maryanne came over to me and pulled me aside asking if I had an answer to her question. I told her I was thinking of going to see a counselor. She smiled at me and then told me there was someone she wanted me to talk to. Apparently, Maryanne was very worried about me. I didn’t show my sadness, but she could tell that I was pretty broken inside – probably because that entire week I had spent 10 hours driving just to get between my apartment and my hometown for Tayo. I spoke with her friend Tracey about how I was feeling. I only showed part of my emotions. I wanted to hide my real emotions for someone that was completely unbiased in the situation. I did a pretty decent job of convincing her that I would be okay. She said that I was one of the people Maryanne was most worried about. I can only guess the other person Maryanne was worried about was Sami – Tayo’s absolute best friend.
As the night went one I drank a little more and laughed a little more and talked about Tayo with Kyle. The party started winding down and I was one of the only younger adults left. I decided to take the next hour to just relax and talk with Tayo’s family – to let the buzz of the alcohol wear off. Maryanne asked if I could show her my memory box of Tayo. I went and got it from my car and we sat on the sofa in the living room. I pulled out movie tickets, football tickets, my mask from prom, the perfect Christmas present that Tayo gave me, a pair of gloves Maryanne had given me, some Mardi Gras beads I got from Tayo, and the two letters Tayo had given to me – one for my birthday and one for Valentine’s Day.
The Valentine’s Day card affected Maryanne the most. It had a picture of two sock monkeys on the front – sock monkeys were basically a symbol of my relationship with Tayo. On the inside it had some writing, but then Maryanne read, “Love, Tayo.” I could see her face kind of scrunch and her eyes water. I did the same thing when I had looked at it previously. Finally I pulled out Cocky, a sock monkey that Tayo had gotten me when he went to USC. Cocky had a gamecock on his chest and Maryanne laughed when she saw it because of the lewd jokes Tayo had made with Cocky. Needless to say, Cocky had his name for a reason. It made me happy to see her smile.
Before I left I made sure to get a mailing address and email address so I could keep in touch like Maryanne and Kyle had requested. I said goodbye and drove back to my parents’ house and went to bed. I was so worn out from all the emotions of that day.
Sunday came and it was time for me to head back to my city. I made it through the two and a half hour drive and unpacked my things. On Sunday, I cried again because I felt lonely in my apartment. I had no one to talk to. I also cried again on Monday night because I felt alone again – that I had no one to talk to. So Monday night I decided to go to campus and spend time with my friends there. That really helped me.
Today is Tuesday and I’ve only whimpered a little bit today. I’ve mostly just been sad and tired and tired of being sad and tired. Tomorrow I work for a little bit and then go home for Thanksgiving break. I need to be home with friends and family. When I’m around people I feel better.
I know this wound and this hurt will take time to heal, but I just wish I could rewind and say goodbye to the guy I was in love with. I miss him so much and even though I didn’t talk to him everyday, I feel like something is missing. I find myself thinking of him constantly. Thinking of things that he would laugh at. I replay our memories in my head every night and dream of him all the time. I’ll never be the same, but I can make it through this. I feel empty and broken now, but with time my wound will close and only a scar will remain.
August 17th, 1995 to November 14th, 2014
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, stop! No matter what problems you are dealing with, I want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.
