I remember the first time I experienced an anxiety attack. I was 17 and working at a desk job. Nothing unusual happened that day that would have provoked any sort of stress whatsoever. I was just sitting there working on my computer, when all of the sudden this strange wave of fear rushed over me. My head starting spinning and my vision became blurry. My coworkers were talking to me but I couldn't make out any of the words they were saying. I felt like my body was on fire and my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I remember going into the bathroom hyperventilating while tears vigorously flooded my face.
Ever since that day, I've been fighting a battle inside of myself. The terrifying fight against mental illness.
Everyday I wake up afraid. I'm afraid to be alone with myself for too long because I don't know where my mind will take me. I obsess over things that don't matter, and will probably never happen. What if my boyfriend decides he doesn't like me anymore and leaves me? Maybe he will want to be with someone else who isn't crazy. What if I get fired from my job? The kids probably want a sitter who is more fun that I am.
Sometimes I feel anxious and scared for no reason. Since I have no reason to feel anxious, I will think of things that give me a reason to feel anxious.
All I want is to be happy and positive. I want to be someone who is easy going and always vibrant and happy. I don't want to be the girlfriend who gets upset over that one time my boyfriend talked to a girl before we were even dating. I don't want panic about possibly seeing someone from high school at the grocery store.
I don't know who I will be when I wake up every morning.
I don't know where my thoughts will take me, and I have no clue how I will react once I experience them. Will I be able to get out of bed today? Will I think of something that makes me angry and get mad at someone who doesn't deserve it?
Mental illness is a huge part of me and drastically effects my life, but I still refuse to let it define me.
There are days that I don't want to wake up in the morning. There are times that I want to run away in hopes that all my problems will just magically go away. I have these moments that sometimes repeat for weeks or months, but I still keep waking up in the morning. I still don't stop constantly trying to improve myself in every way possible. Sometimes I lose sight of myself, but eventually I come around and see through the darkness.
Anxiety makes me afraid of who I could be, but deep down I know that there's nothing to be afraid of who I am.
