A couple days ago, I was hungry. But it wasn't just your everyday hunger. I craved the smooth, spicy taste of a Chipotle burrito. A Chipotle burrito isn’t an ordinary burrito; it’s like a drug. It feels good, but it has its aftershocks.
Namely, furious nausea, dastardly diarrhea and enraging E. Coli. As far as I can tell, however, it’s worth it anyway. It was worth it for multiple reasons: the burrito was good, the service was acceptable and I’m a masochist who lives for the pain. The effects of Chipotle exhilarate me, and within my time on the toilet I had an epiphany. I saw the light, and I want to help you see the light. That is why I am starting “The Church of Chipotle.”
Now, hear me out. I know it’s kind of ridiculous to worship a corporate entity whose ethics are currently compromised, but I think we just need to come together to help solve this puzzle. Chipotle tastes good. It’s not rocket science! So what if the food can be mildly dangerous? It’s extraordinarily delicious! Isn’t that what really counts? A guy you may of heard of, Julius Caesar, once said, “I came, I saw, I conquered.” I came to Chipotle, I saw the delicious food, and I conquered the meal.
So can you!
As I suffered my painful discharge I spoke to God and he said, “If you build it they will come.” Call 555-555-1930 to join the Church of Chipotle, and learn how to get a Chipotle near you (or a couple more). For just $50 a month, I will tell you more things that God told me, such as:
“If you think a Chipotle near you is dangerous, go have a meal and bring with you a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. Chances are, you’re not even gonna need it because, statistically, you’ll probably be fine anyway.”
“Go into Chipotle and only take a couple bites. It’ll work like a vaccine and the next time you go you’ll be fine!”
“Chipotle? More like ‘dude let’s go eat the same food God eats!’”
This is only a small taste of what the Church of Chipotle has to offer. Call the number above for more!
