Walking out of the bank the other day, I noticed an elderly man positioned right in front of my parking spot. In his motorized wheel chair, he shouted: “Hey, what happened to your fender?” My initial reaction was to mumble “pardon?” although I heard the question correct the first time, I wasn’t sure what manner was appropriate to answer, and too embarrassed to tell the truth, I shrugged him off. Again, he asked with double the amount of aggression “What happened to your fender?” “I got into an accident sir,” I reluctantly shared, only for him to shrug off the answer and spark up his next cigarette.
As I drove up on a light that had turned red, I sighed at the man’s disinterest once he heard the truth. I felt myself feeling vulnerable as I kept replaying our brief encounter in my mind over and over as I waited for permission to move on. Thoughts such as: “how stupid it was to ask, what happened to my car. When the entire left headlight, and hood is ruined?” “how insensitive it is to inquire without displaying an inkling of empathy?” and “why was I so ashamed of my answer to begin with?”
I mean the incident could’ve happened to anyone. “Anyone,” I can’t count how many times I heard that pronoun in the last week when speaking of this occurrence. Indeed, it could’ve happened to “anyone” yet it happened to me, on a back road off RT 87. That moment I collided it felt as if everything (in reference to my mentality) essentially changed.
If my elderly friend would’ve asked that Tuesday morning what happened to my fender, I would’ve told him “I met my end” four days later I wish I could tell him I was saved from my end. Not saved in the sense of severity regarding the damages (they’re really minor), but saved from the hollowness of my spirit. In moments leading up to the collision, my mind was everywhere. Thoughts visiting from the past ten months and some fast-forwarding towards the future months to come, I had no bearings of my present moment. All I knew was I was driving along RT 87, rushing to my appointment with my only concern being to maintain my speed.
My only concern being to maintain…
Maintenance if not careful can lead to an endangered soul and spirit. It can lead to discontentment and vexation. Once completing my third year of college, I automatically went into a worrying spell regarding the detailing of my final year. How could I keep up, and maintain this life I had created
“Self-awareness comes with a price”- Kaylin Mathis.
For years it seemed as if my life was cycling up to this divine moment of “adulthood,” the prime time of owning my first vehicle, moving into my first home, and obtaining my undergraduate degree. Milestones I had prayed and badgered God for, dreams that had invaded my sleep. And what did I have to show so far? Bags under my eyes that screamed I rarely sleep, a short-temper that wreaked I’m drowning in my endeavors and an empty glare that penned my desire to be jolted back into my present. I had found myself drowning in my endeavors, ripples of my past steady enough in addition to the currents of my unknown future to keep me from staying afloat. I was losing myself to the ideology of figuring “it” all out.
“It” for I’m not exactly sure what I was hoping to figure out… life is always evolving; so there’s a lesson to be learned daily. With accepting such evolution, one must be certain of where their strength derives from and take confidence in their supplier. My strength comes from my eternal faith, my hope lies in my relationship with my creator. Through him, I was spared from physical harm, and saved from the angst that was drowning out my summer, and perpetually forming the habit of worry.
Although financial circumstances (in regards to repairs) may demand a different response, I thank God for jolting me out of myself to remind me of what’s important. To remind me to draw a line that will no longer allow my past or future the opportunity to rob me of experiencing the power that lies in my present moment. To be conscious that now is all I have. Sixty seconds at a time to laugh, create a memory, make a decision with sound, unbothered, stable mind.
Remember “self-awareness comes with a price”, what are you willing to pay in exchange for your own peace of mind?
