When people think of depression they think of a literal black cloud that looms over your head that constantly rains down on you. Well, that's what they think, it is not what they know. Depression hits you harder than a linebacker ever could; it often winds you, and you are unable to find you breath for days. Depression takes over every aspect of your daily life, your personal life, your relationship, your job, your school work. Name it, and depression has sunk its claws in it at one point or another.
I remember the first time I ever felt depressed without really knowing what it was. I remember it was early on in high school after a break up with a boyfriend I was only with for a couple of months. I remember thoughts swirling in my head, I remember being withdrawn from activities people purposely tried to include me. I did not want to talk about it, I just wanted to keep replaying the words we said in my head. I could not get out of my own head and focus on the world around me. No one else understood that. At 15, people just assume you are a moody teenager. No one knows what it is like to be held prisoner by thoughts so insignificant. It is a both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply. Things that should not resonate with you do, whereas things that you should feel so deeply with heart and soul you can no longer love.
I did not know I was depressed until junior year of college. Previously, I had a hunch. My freshman year of college I would sleep for 16 hours out of the day and would be up all night, when the world was quiet but my thoughts were not. I would stare out at the skyline wishing that I could leave everything behind and start anew in a city where my demons could not follow me. Unfortunately that is another notion of depression. You think if you just ignore your feelings, your behaviors and circumstances surrounding your depression it does not exist. Instead, you should remember that while you are depressed, you can still do things to make yourself feel better. I did not realize any of what I was doing was unhealthy. I pushed a lot of people who truly cared for me away, I would never leave my bed. My bed was my safe haven, if I ever left it, problems would ensue. My friends would try, they would come into my room and beg me to a see a movie with them, to go somewhere with them. I could not do that. I had created a wall between myself and reality, they tried to break down that wall, and with every brick they tried to take down, I would add ten more. They did not know what it was like, or at least I thought they didn't.
Eventually I realized that this was unhealthy. I hated feeling this way, the feeling that I am merely just occupying space. I hated the thoughts, the images, how sensitive I had become to everything. I decided to see a therapist. I had never been to therapy before. I labeled myself as crazy. I did not tell people that I went, when they asked me where I was for a couple hours of the week I would say that I went for a walk, or I had lunch. I made every excuse under the sun because I believed they would see me as crazy too. No one with depression will ever tell you that people who truly care for you will support you at every turn. You never want to believe that. You want to believe that the whole world is truly against you, the same friends who are picking you up off of the floor after you have flung yourself there after a mentally challenging day do not do it because they love you, but rather because they have to. They feel obligated to, they never knew my heart was an ocean of secrets.
Self-care when you are depressed is a nuance and a nuisance. Self-care once meant painting your finger nails or plucking your eyebrows, hanging out with friends when I was feeling sad, eating Chinese food and listening to my favorite album. I cancelled all of those things like a birthday party I had RSVP'd to three months in advance. No one tells you that self-care is much different when you are depressed. Self-care is basic human responsibilities that you have been neglecting, like school work, class, laundry, showering, feeding yourself. All of those things are self-care that are often overlooked because you have been programmed to just take care of them as they arise. No one knows how daunting those tasks are now.
No one tells you when you are depressed that you are insecure. You look in the mirror and you are unsure of the person staring back at you. Your reflection seems as if it is a hallowed out version of who you used to be rather than who you could be. You do not see potential, you see hopelessness. When walking to class and hearing laughing behind you, you assume it is about you. When finally garner some courage to actually tell people that you are feeling depressed and insecure, they say "no! not you! I just do not see it." That is because I tried to hide it, I forgot to bring my literally black cloud with me today.
When you cannot make sense of your emotions, you assume that others cannot make sense of your actions either. Sometimes that is true. Things that I have said out of anger, resentment, and hurt have never made sense to those I have said it to because it did not make sense to myself when I was saying it. I have learned that those who are close enough to you and love you deeply know that you do not mean it, that your mind is plagued with such ugly thoughts that your words could never be roses, but rather knives, I am grateful for the friends who have guided me through the lowest of lowest and highest of highest and met me somewhere in between. I could never be who am I without them.
You get better when you realize that your behavior has effects on everyone else, like your mom who cries when you tell her how you've been feeling like you might hurt yourself. Or when you hear your best friend say behind closed doors that she wishes you would come out with her because she misses you. You get better when you realize that your lifestyle is not conducive to much of anything. You get better when you truly stop to admire the little things, like an exceptionally warm day for in the middle of the fall, or a really awesome conversation and a cup of coffee. Those small things make you believe that you can come out of your head and experience reality again. It takes gentle coaxing, not from your friends, but from the deepest parts of your mind that want to see you become better. Listen to those voices, allow yourself to have bad days, but realize that they should never outweigh the good. Trust yourself. Strive for progress, not perfection.
