To: My friend that’s thought about ending it,
There are so many things I wish I could tell you.
I wish I could tell you “everything is going to be okay.” I wish I could tell you, “this will pass,” or “it’s a phase,” or that “your friends will never leave you.” I wish I could tell you that you will never feel this emptiness and fear and loneliness and sadness inside you ever again. I wish I could tell you that you’ll just get over it. I wish I could tell you that this is all in your head, that you’ll go to sleep and wake up and you’ll feel some sense of relief. That there won’t be dark days or weeks where you want to give up, really give up, on your job, on your friends, on your family, or on your life.
I wish I could tell you those things.
So badly.
I wish I could tell you those things and that my words could wrap around you tightly and keep you safe and make you feel like the world is less on the verge of caving in on you and burying you alive. I wish I could make you see yourself the way I see you, the way the people who care about see you.
But, I can’t.
I can’t tell you those things because I don’t know, and you don’t know, and no promises of those things will make you feel any better. I can’t tell you those things because they won’t keep you warm or fill up that hole in your stomach and help you have good dreams at night or happy thoughts in the morning. I can’t tell you those things, because it won’t put back the pieces that were shattered and then shattered some more by those voices in your head that won’t give up. I can’t tell you those things, because you can’t accept them for yourself, and I don’t know when you will.
But, you know what?
Here’s what I can tell you.
I will pick up my phone for you at 4 am and call you just to say hello. I will be there to help carry the weight on your shoulders. I’ll be there to lay in bed and watch TV with you on those days you can’t seem to get up. I’ll be there to do the stupid goofy things, the big things, the little things, anything that’ll help you smile, even if it’s just a little bit.
I can tell you…
I love you. I will be there for you when you need to get up from beneath the rubble. I will be there for you when you’re thinking “I can’t do this anymore,” when you think things aren’t worth it. I’ll be there when you lose your faith. I’ll be there just to listen to you cry on the phone and scream, so you don’t have to do it alone.
I’ll be there…
I love you and I’ll be there because even if you don’t believe it, there are people who love you more than anything and would hate to see you go, because my life wouldn’t be the same without you in it, because of all the things you are and all of the things you aren’t.
I’ll be there.
Even if you don’t believe it… you’re a blessing, not a burden.
Even if you don’t believe it… you mean the world.
Even if you don’t believe it… you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Even if you don’t believe it… someday, you’ll find it, that love for yourself that will keep you warm.
