Have you ever had the feeling that everyone around you was laughing at you as you enter a room? Ever felt like everyone was making fun of you as you passed by? That is how I feel almost all the time when I walk anywhere where I am surrounding by people I don’t know. This is how bullying affected me.
I was bullied severely in middle school as well as in junior high, it got better in high school but not completely. I remember one time a kid I barely knew on my bus leaned over my seat while I was listening to music, and yelled, “Hey. Why are you so fat?” I looked at him with a glare and at that moment I wanted to punch his light out. I wanted to say something back to hurt him, but I was way too hurt myself. I also didn’t want to get in trouble because I wasn’t entirely sure that I wouldn’t break his nose if I did it.
I put my headphones back on and listened to music on full blast while staring out the window, wishing I could be anywhere but there. When the bus stopped at my stop, I ran up the hill and jumped on my bed and cried my eyes out wishing I could just turn into nothingness. What the bullies didn’t know is that I just lost my brother. I had a horrible family life at the time. I was already severely depressed. My best friend had just moved away from me. I was lonely… and I wanted to die.
They just kept hurting me to the point where I was barely functioning walking down the hallway at school. Every word that was spoken in that hallway felt like it was directed at me.I was always on guard even though the only thing I should have been worried about was my grades at the time. I should have been having a good time in junior high.
The internet became my go-to place. I became friends with people online, talked to my best friend that was now across the ocean from me, and got to be myself. Then one day, someone messaged me, and I answered. He asked me to call him, and I did because I thought for some reason that that was a good idea at the time. It turned out to be someone’s younger brother. Their sister messaged me and harassed me calling me a freak. I remember breaking down thinking this would be the end. I was sobbing on skype with my best friend. I didn’t know what to do.
My dad walked in and saw what was going on, and found out how badly I was being bullied. He decided to go to the principal. We had a talk, but I was just super ashamed. I thought everything was my fault. I was a freak. I was ugly. I was fat. I was every name in the book. The counselors talked to her apparently, the bullying didn’t stop, though. I had to see her face every other day in choir. She would make remarks sometimes, and I just receded into myself.
The only thing that kept me going was the good friends I did have at my school. The lunch times were the time I got to be with people that cared about me. These friends kept me safe throughout my middle school years, and I really do thank them. They are one of the few reasons I survived middle school. I had this core group of people that I could hang out with and know that they loved me for me.
I was one of the lucky ones. I survived this bullying. I lived. Some people don’t. As I said before, it's not all happiness. I still have my scars that will carry with me until I die. When every I walk into a room with people I don’t know, I will listen closely for comments. I will always have my guard up. No one deserves that. I hope someday people will grow up and realize that bullying is not something you should do. People are different, but that doesn’t mean you have to harass them. If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all.
If you are ever feeling low and need someone to reach out to use these hotlines. You are loved. You are cared for and I know it's hard sometimes, but however cliche this is, it will get better.
