No, it's not that I'm just moody. No, it's not that I'm just bad at controlling my emotions. And no, it's not that I'm just uncontrollably hyper sometimes either. The google definition I found online says this: A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs. I'd agree with this. I experience these "episodes" of high productivity and then moments later, I'm crying into my pillow because all of that high productivity stresses me out. But this isn't all bipolar is. This isn't all it looks like.
Bipolar looks like...
Doing your homework, getting things done & submitting assignment after assignment only to throw your computer across the room a moment later because school is too stressful and you don't think you can do it anymore, completely forgetting all of the work you just successfully did, it doesn't matter right now.
Completing a great work out at the gym and feeling super confident only to come home and yell and cry and curse while looking in the mirror because what your body has become is hopeless and you hate what you see looking back at you. Why do you even try?
Having a wonderful day walking on campus, smiling at everyone you pass by, until that one person doesn't smile back and you are positive that the world is out to get you and everyone actually hates you and talks about it behind your back. No one would ever want to be your friend, you're moody and sad and would probably just bring them down.
Waking up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world, ready to go to class and have a great day until you don't feel that way anymore but instead you feel hopeless. Slowed down. Empty. What's the point? What are you going to say to your professor? How are you going to explain why you're not coming to class today? Will he understand if you just say you're sick? Because you are.
Having a conversation with those close to you, enjoying their company, but then they say that one thing or do that one thing that randomly sets you off and you have no control over the next few minutes that you spend irrationally arguing with them for something you don't even understand but you can't stop because you're just so mad and irritable and touchy and tired and exhausted and sad and you don't know why. They don't deserve this but you can't do anything about it. You care about them so much and you would never intentionally hurt them or say these things, but your disorder says to be mad right now, so you're mad right now.
Thinking about the fight, being thankful that it's resolved and you apologized until you're sitting on your closet floor hugging your knees, soaking in all of the bad things you just said to your mom or your sister or your boyfriend or best friend. Why did you say those things? Why do you do that? They're too good for you. Do you even have control over your own words?
Sitting around, feeling okay, nothing has gone wrong today. Wait... why not, though? You start to wonder when your next episode will be. It's gotta be coming soon. How can you avoid it? Maybe try laying in bed... and staying there for awhile. Your bed is nice, your bed is safe. Today is just not your day.
Spending some great quality time with family and friends, you're having so much fun until you start to think about all of the sad things that have ever happened in your life. Remember when your dad called and told you that Grandpa died? That was a sad day. Remember playing in your front yard in 2008 and seeing your first pet get hit by a car? Why'd you have to see that? Remember when your parents sat you down and told you they were getting a divorce? That was hard to hear. Why do bad things happen to good people? Maybe you should go home. You don't really feel "up" for bowling anymore or maybe family movie night doesn't sound as good as it did earlier.
Feeling energized and cleaning your whole room, no, your whole house! Yes, clean the whole house!! Go get all the cleaning supplies and let's do this! This place is gonna look great when we're done with it! But wait... now that I'm noticing... wow, this place is pretty dirty... it'll take forever to clean it... I don't think I want to. Why can't this house ever be clean? Who made it so dirty? Why can't they clean up their own messes?
Making reckless decisions that may feel good for the moment but you, deep down, know aren't right, but you're in the moment and you're having fun and you feel on top of the world and nothing can bring you down this life is a good one and your mind is going a million miles a minute and you have so much energy and life is happy and sunshine and rainbows and
then it's not.
What changed? The answer is most likely nothing.
This is what bipolar disorder looks like. It's being victim to extreme mood, energy, motivation and appetite changes. Changes that happen without your consent and without warning. You feel helpless. You feel like there is no way to get ahold of yourself and control what you say and do during your episodes. You feel like you're always going to inevitably let down those people around you and continue to hurt them with your words and actions, ruled by your disorder. You feel like background noise. A shadow. An afterthought to bipolar.
Or, on the other hand, you feel very in control. You can conquer this disarray of emotions in your mind and you can fix it. You are more than your disorder and bipolar does not control you.
It really depends on the day, because when it's bad, it's bad. But when it's good, it's good. I love my life and being happy just as much as the next person, I just have to try a tad bit harder to keep that happiness around, but when I surround myself with people I love, it's not so bad. They support me to be happy and live my best life. So no, I'm not just moody, I'm not constantly PMS'ing, and I am not just a generally sad person. I am a struggler but I am also a fighter and this is what bipolar really looks like.
