There are two sides to me, but I only show people one. I do not like the other side of me, and I am sometimes ashamed of it. I only allow that side to come out when I am alone, because that is the time I can deal with it. This darker side never leaves me; it always is in the back of my mind, and sometimes is more present than usual.
Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning and I forgot how to swim. Sometimes I feel useless. Sometimes I wonder what my purpose on earth is, and sometimes I wonder if I should even be here at all. This is caused by the other side of me. The other side of me exists in the shadows and brings out feelings that are suffocating.
Depression is not something that people can control. Depression is a medical illness. People with depression are not negative people. They are people that are suffering. The worst thing you could possibly tell someone with depression is that they are choosing to be this way, that they can't get better unless they want to. No one chooses this. No one wants to feel this.
Depression hurts everyone involved, and I want to truly apologize to those who are closest to me and those who experience what I go through on a daily basis. I know that it is not an easy thing to deal with. I know that it takes a while to understand what I'm going through and how exactly to help me. That's what depression does. I know that you don't like seeing me suffer. I know that it is hard for you. I know that you love me and it hurts you that I'm hurting so bad inside. It hurts me too. I do not like putting you through this.
Depression doesn't only hurt the person that is suffering, it hurts loved ones as well. My best friend feels that she cannot come to me as an outlet because she knows that I'm having a difficult enough time trying to keep my own head above water. My boyfriend is still in the process of learning how to help me in a productive way when my depression acts up.
Depression is a learning process. For everyone.
There is not always a specific cause that makes a person depressed. In fact, depression is often a clinical disease that is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.
Depression affects the way that people normally think, as seen in the picture above. In the brain of a depressed person, it is shown that the amygdala is one of the only places brain activity occurs. The amygdala is responsible for the perception of emotions such as anger, fear, and sadness, as well as the controlling of aggression. In the non-depressed individual, activity is present in all areas of the brain, including the pleasure center and frontal lobe, which brings happiness and creative and logical thinking respectively.
If you suffer from depression, you're probably already aware of how it affects your brain. You know that your brain plays tricks on you. To loved ones, know that someone's depressed mind will play tricks on them to create and enhance situations and feelings that may not actually be prevalent. Situations and problems are created in their heads that often times do not actually exist. This is the depression talking.
I want to take this moment to thank those who are closest to me. To my best friend, thank you for dealing with my breakdowns. Thank you for always being there to build me back up when I fall down. Thank you for putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.
To my boyfriend, thank you for being a positive influence when my depression takes over. Thank you for loving every aspect of me, including this side that I tried (and failed) to hide from you. Thank you for choosing me every day, regardless of the fact that I sometimes can't control my thoughts.
To my family, thank you for being my support system and for alleviating the pain that comes with depression.
To people that are suffering from depression, depression is not something that you should be ashamed of. Depression is an illness that needs to be treated. You are not weak if you seek medical help for your own sanity. Trust me, it helps. I was always afraid to get help with dealing with my depression because I did not want to be the crazy girl.
You are not alone. There are 350 million other people around the globe that suffer from depression, too. Please don't be afraid to get help. I wish I would have gotten help earlier, it could have saved me a lot of discomfort. Depression is a battle and it is a struggle. Those who are suffering need love and support in order to win.
I have accepted that depression is a part of me, and yet I continue to struggle with my thoughts on a daily basis. I am staring at my laptop trying to decide if I should post this, because there is such a negative stigma about depression, and I know that many people won't understand my battle. But I hope that this article will help to clear things up.
