“I don’t get it. Your life is great right now and you still get stuck in the dark place. You just bought your dream car, you leave for Greece soon and the school just approved a neuroscience program. How can you still be in the dark place?”

A few weeks ago I sat on the couch with my boyfriend when he asked me about the “dark place”. He wanted to understand what exactly it is and how I can get stuck there so easily and so frequently. But I had no idea how to explain it to him out loud. How to explain it to anyone. Over the last few years I have had several different people ask me about it because they wanted to understand what I was feeling and how to help me out of it.

But I never had an answer.

I still never know how to say the words out loud.

How do I tell those close to me that some days I cannot get myself out of bed no matter how hard I try?

That sometimes I feel like I’m trapped inside my own skin and I cannot get out.

That some days, the pain and hurt are so immense I cannot catch my breath.

And how do I explain that I feel angry all the time and sometimes the anger is so strong I feel like my skin is on fire?

But that’s not the hard part. The hard part is that I cannot tell you why I feel those things. I cannot tell you why I feel so angry all the time. I cannot explain to you why it is so hard for me to get out of bed. And I don’t know how to tell you what the dark place feels like for me or anyone else who feels it.

In my case, there is a pre and post dark place. In pre-dark place, I feel everything. I feel the anger, the hurt and the loneliness; all of it happening at once and I can’t handle it. It’s as if someone is standing on my chest and I can’t breathe and all I want is for it to stop. And when it gets too strong, the dark place comes. When I’m in the dark place, all I feel is numb. It’s as if I turned off all of my emotions so the hurt would stop for a while and then I feel nothing at all. I know that I am coming off cold, detached and sometimes even mean and I am sorry for that. But what the dark place is to me is a place where I feel nothing and sometimes I get stuck there for a while and I can’t find my way out. It does not mean that I’m broken or need to be fixed; it just means that the hurt has gotten so strong that I need a break from it for a little while. But I will be okay. I just need to not feel anything for a while. Post-dark place is different and, in a way, even harder to explain. The best way I can think to explain it is like the day after a long flight where you’re in that jet lag stage of grogginess and slowly getting back to normal. Even though the dark place is a time of numbness, it’s still exhausting and can still take all of your energy.

If you are or know someone who has their own version of a dark place, I hope this helped in some way. I hope this can show you that you are not alone in the struggle. There are others out there who face the same difficulties and don’t always know how to express it. Just take a breath and in your own time, maybe you will be able to talk about it too. If your loved one is struggling, try to let them know they will be okay and they are not alone in this.

And always remember, you CAN beat the dark place!