"All that matters is, that you treat me right. Give me all the things I need that money can't buy." -Jennifer Lopez, "Love Don't Cost A Thing"
This popular JLo song from the early 2000's still holds true to this day. If you really love someone you should not need money to show it. And this goes just beyond the romantic relationship the song is about- this applies to any kind of relationship, be it with friends or family members as well as romantic partners. Too often, people feel like the only way to show affection for someone they care about is to spend money on them. To buy them things, such as food or clothes or movie tickets. Paying for these things for someone is a very nice gesture, don't get me wrong. But having this mindset too often can cause problems because it can create laziness or even harm the relationship.
This is because you could buy things for someone whenever the two of you see each other, but treat them horribly otherwise. When you aren't in each other's presence, you could easily completely ignore them, and not be showing them any actual, non-monetary affection. Or worse, you could be abusive to them, say things that run their self-esteem into the ground ... but then because you'll buy them dinner the next time y'all get together, it's all OK, right?
No. It's not. Don't just depend on your cash stash to show how much you "love" someone if you're going to treat them like shit otherwise. If you pick up the check when you and your S.O. eat out, but completely ignore them outside of your physical interactions and never actually start conversations or ask how they're doing, you don't really love them. If you randomly buy your kids clothes or often try to plan surprise parties for them (especially if you know this can cause them anxiety), yet verbally degrade them on a constant basis, you don't really love them. Especially if you are going to use these actions of spending money on a person against them should you guys ever get in an argument with each other.
The truth is, if you rely solely on money to express your affection for someone, you probably don't care about them as much as you think you do. You only spend money on them to make yourself feel better, to delude yourself into thinking you're treating the person well when you're really not.
That being said: here are 10 simple and completely free ways to express affection for people you care about:
1. Text them asking how their day has been. This shows you are thinking of them and really care about what they're going through, rather than just being stuck in your own little world all the time.
2. If you know they have a big or exciting event coming up, show interest in it. Ask them how it's going, be proud of their accomplishments, and if it's a speech or show or recital of some sort, show up to support them-- without them having to drag you along and convince you to show up.
3. Actually start conversations with them out of nowhere- and not just when you need them for a favor or want to vent to them about something. This is one of the most frustrating things. Plus, if someone hears from you out of the blue for no reason other than just because you wanted to talk to them, you have no idea how a simple gesture of attention like that could turn around a potentially shitty day they're having.
4. Initiate plans to get together. If one person in any type of relationship is constantly the only one making plans to hang out, that's one-sided and unhealthy. It can make them feel like you don't actually want to be around them and are simply going along with it to be nice. Balance it out and be the first one to take action in planning get-togethers every now and then.
5. Show interest in things they care about. When someone sends you a picture of a funny meme they saw online or shows you music from a band they like, show interest, even if you have to fake it. Because even if whatever they're showing you isn't quite your cup of tea, that's perfectly OK, but the fact that they're showing it to you means they were thinking about you and care about you enough to share their interests. So to easily dismiss it or say halfheartedly "oh that's nice" or "I really don't care" is kind of a dick move. Show interest not necessarily in the thing someone showed you but in the fact that they were thinking of you.
6. �Be there for them in times of need. If someone comes to you about a tough time they're experiencing, be there to listen and offer advice if they need it. Definitely don't brush them off, answer halfheartedly or in a manner that comes off like you don't care, tell them they're complaining too much, or turn it into a competition of whose problems are worse. Remember if a person vents to you about a problem, it is because they trust you, not because they're looking for an excuse to complain. They need love and support, not backhanded answers that will only make them feel worse.
7. Be open to sharing your own experiences, too. I understand some of us don't have it in our nature to be as emotionally expressive as others. If you prefer to be more of a private person, that's OK, you shouldn't be forced to open up about things you're not comfortable discussing -- but at least open up about some things to people who care about you. Not only is it unhealthy to bottle stuff up, but it can also make a relationship feel one sided if only one of you is doing all the talking all the time. Chances are they are more likely to feel good that you chose them as someone to open up to and be happy to support you, rather than feel like you're burdening them.
8. Actually make phone calls once in a while. We live in a world dominated by social media where everyone is used to relying on written messages to communicate with each other -- what happened to people having legitimate conversations over the phone? Video calls are great too. It's easier to be real with someone when you're speaking with them out loud. Over texts, emails, Facebook messages, Snapchats, and the like, things can often be misinterpreted or taken out of context and therefore be more likely to lead to drama. Maybe it's just me, but I've gotten in a lot more arguments with people over text or social media than I have when talking to them verbally. Also, phone calls or video calls show you really want to talk to a person, because they're likely to last longer than a texting conversation.
9. Write them nice notes or letters. If it's a special occasion like a birthday, holiday, Mother's or Father's Day, anniversary, seeing someone after not seeing them for a long while - or maybe not even a special occasion, because you don't need a specific day as an excuse to show affection - writing someone a heartfelt card or note will mean a lot. Getting someone gifts for these occasions is perfectly OK and important, of course, but sometimes a meaningful note to someone about how much you appreciate them can be just as good, or even better, than a material item you spend money on. Why? Because you actually have to think and put a good amount of time into it. Also, not everyone may have money or any other means to go out and shop for a gift, but everyone does have the capacity to do this.
10. Just reassure them now and then how much you appreciate them. Even if you're weird about expressing sentiments, trust me, there is no shame in this. People have different ways they go about expressing their love for each other, and some prefer to show it rather than tell it, which is perfectly fine. But it doesn't hurt to say it out loud every once in a while. People often like verbal reassurance, and spoken words have the capacity to make someone feel just as positive as a gesture of spending money on them. It's better to tell someone you love them often without spending a dime on them, than to constantly buy them things but never want to be openly affectionate -- because as many times as you may do this and claim it's out of love, there's no way to really know for sure unless you explicitly say it. JLo was right - love don't cost a thing. You can buy things for someone you legitimately care about as much as you want, but when it all boils down to it, true affection shouldn't require even a penny of your savings.
