I was watching a sermon series on YouTube by Pastor Michael Todd from Transformation Church during my fast. The series was called "Relationship Goals," and Pastor Michael was speaking about his relationship with his wife and the ways he would try to show her love before and during their marriage.
Pastor Michael would always try to woo and treat his wife by buying her things like new shoes, and she would accept them with light appreciation. He didn't understand why she wasn't being blown away by the expensive gifts he got her. It wasn't that she didn't like or want them, but it didn't mean to her what it clearly meant to him. It wasn't how she best-perceived love.
Pastor Michael spoke about how he and his wife then read a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Pastor Gary Chapman. The pastor and marriage counselor, Pastor Chapman, broke down the ways people express and perceive love into five different "love languages."
The five love languages are quality time, receiving gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation, and acts of service, and the theory is that the top love languages of people are naturally how they attempt to express love to others and how they perceive others loving them. Each language is characterized by different actions and/or words along with their intent.
Someone whose top love language is quality time values true personal time with a loved one where conversation, thoughts, feelings, and experiences are shared and heard. They don't always have to be speaking, but the moment they are sharing is just for them and is free of outside distractions. Even just sitting in silence, knowing the other is there is just as fulfilling as having each other truly listen and pay attention to one another.
The love language of receiving gifts is love being shown and perceived by the purchase or creation of meaningful gifts. When thought and effort is put into a gift, taking into account who the person is and what they would value, it means a great deal to a person of this love language when they receive it. They were really on another person's mind during the acquisition of the gift and they appreciate the care and thought that went into it.
A person whose love language is physical touch feels loved through non-sexual physical intimacy. A special touch from a loved one can be affectionate and comforting. They are reaching out to connect, be it via a warm hug, a kiss on the cheek, or a simple brush of skin. Some of the people with this love language as their top one are fans of cuddling and holding hands. Humans are social creatures that require some level of touch from others, and these people thrive off it.
Words of affirmation individuals take stock in the words people say. A genuine compliment or statement of praise means a lot to them. They seek verbal validation, and true appreciation and affirmations best communicate love to them. Praising them on their hard work or complimenting their efforts really makes them feel good, and they are grateful you noticed and chose to comment on it.
People who have acts of service as their love language love it when people make their lives easier by helping out. These people appreciate it if the house is kept tidy or aid is offered. It's even better when they don't have to ask for it. When someone goes out of their way to ease the burden or duties of acts of service people, they are expressing to that person that they love them enough to take some time out of their day for them and that they are attentive to their needs.
Individuals do not possess just one love language but rather all of them. However, for each person, there is a hierarchy to them, the top being the most impactful and the lowest being, at least, appreciated for the intent. When two people share different top love languages, they may try to express love in ways that make sense to them but don't reach the other as well as they hope.
The intent of discovering the love languages of others is learning how to cater to their needs, learning how to properly love them even if it's not how one would first go about showing their affection. Also, just because some love languages are higher than others, it doesn't mean the others should be neglected. All should be fed, just some more than others.
In the case of Pastor Michael Todd's wife, her top love language was quality time, and though she appreciated the gifts her husband got for her, receiving gifts was not the most efficient way to her heart. She felt more love from him when he instead put aside time for them to do things together and they had the space to connect and bond.
When I learned about the love languages, I first sought to find out my own love languages. I took the quiz, which is fairly accurate since I didn't have access to the book yet. My top love languages are quality time and acts of service which makes sense to me since I love to spend one-on-one time with people I care about or are interested in, and I often volunteer or jump in to help people. However, my research into the topic to better understand the concept of love languages began to have unexpected yet not unwelcomed results.
It started with my mother during Thanksgiving break. While I was relaxing on the couch, binge-watching "Eureka," instead of also lounging around, my mother was all over the house, cleaning and organizing pretty much everything. She can get easily stressed out when things need to get done, and she can't make herself relax until they are done.
It was as I watched her getting worked up while getting things done, I thought back to all the times my mother would complain about how the rest of us didn't do anything to make her job easier, how we had to be told what had to be done, and how it would be nice if we were a bit more aware of the things that could be handled. It was then that it clicked.
One of my mother's top love languages had to be acts of service. I realized we all did make things harder for her. I paused the TV, ran downstairs, and proceeded to explain to her what the love languages were before asking her what she would like me to do to make her job easier. I spent the rest of the break trying to help around the house as well, sometimes taking the initiative or coming to her to see what she would like help with, and I got the chance to see my mother come home and relax on the couch with a smile on her face as I served dinner.
Rather quickly after that, I began to identify at least the top two love languages of each of the members of my family. They were quite the revelations, and it took some processing because some of their love languages weren't exactly compatible with mine. However, if I wanted to properly show them, love, in the ways that would reach them, I would have to make a few concessions and adjustments.
And that's love I guess. Being willing to push your comfort zone a little to make those you love feel loved. I know some will be harder to do than others since my sister can be a bit too affectionate, more than I can usually tolerate, and it might be hard to figure out what true gifts my father would appreciate.
However, why all of this is so important for me to figure out (besides the fact that I do love my family) and why I want to learn how to identify the love languages of others around me and those I met and interact with is because God calls each man to love his fellow man even if that love is not always equally reciprocated.
And that's a goal I've been seeking to achieve, loving my neighbor as myself and even loving my enemies or, at least, those just a bit more irritating or annoying than most. God pours His love into me daily, and I am meant to pour it out into others. I want to be able to love others properly though because the world needs a little more love done right, doesn't it?
