Letting go has never been my strong suit. Whether it be relationships or a pair of shoes I haven’t worn in five years, I am always afraid that one day I might need them, and I might regret throwing them away. This fear has kept me holding on to things that I would be better off without for much longer than I needed to; one of those things being you. I spent many years holding on to you, waiting for you and hoping that one day we could make things work because I saw the potential you had to become someone great, someone I could love forever.
We spent many nights talking about your dreams and ambitions and where you see yourself in 5 to 10 years. I always liked that you had so many interests and goals because I sometimes felt a little lost. Being with you inspired me to follow my dreams because I always knew you believed in me, even though you rarely believed in yourself.
You had days where you were motivated and ready to conquer the world, but then there were days where you stopped trying. You decided life was hard and instead of working harder, you gave up. You gave up on your dreams and you gave up on us. Change is hard, and you weren’t ready to climb that mountain, but I was all packed up and ready to go. I knew I couldn’t force you to come with me because I could see that you weren’t ready, so I decided to go on that journey alone. I needed to move forward and you were only holding me back.
Taking that first step away from you was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do; not coming back is even harder. That may sound a bit dramatic, but it’s true. We have had our share of good and bad times, but when something exciting happens in my life, you are one of the first people I want to tell. When I watch a tv show or movie you introduced me to or I drive by a place we used to have dinner, I spend the next few hours replaying our time together in my head. I wonder if I would’ve given you more space or been more carefree or done something differently, would I still have you in my life. I wonder what your life looks like now. I wonder if you’re happy, if you have found a new girl or got that job you have always wanted. I fight the urge to call you because I know for now we are better off apart. I look for you in crowded bars and restaurants, and there is a part of me that hopes one day our paths will cross again.
Maybe when we’re older and you’re ready to take that climb, but until then just know one thing. Just because I walked away, doesn’t mean I don’t miss you, because I do, every single day.
