"You see, I love you, Vick. You're so important to me and... I don't want to lose you. But you should... Never mind me, 'cause you don't deserve this. Never mind this. I'm so awkward with saying my feelings. If I could, I'd put you in my pocket and never let you out."
Growing up with an Asian grandmother, I was always closed off from the outside world. She never really allowed me to hang out after school, like most of my friends did. I was to come straight home and work on my homework. I didn't mind, though. I was already sucked into a virtual world with people who hid behind their computer screens. Whenever I would have issues with my family (or rather a cousin who hated me and the feelings were mutual), instead of going to the outside world and talking to real people, I allowed myself to be sucked into the virtual world and talked with those people instead.
Starting my freshmen year of high school, I began this virtual journey making friends. It was kind of like having pen pals. These virtual people were from all over the world, starting from the age of 15 to the age of 27. We hid behind our computer screens with little description about ourselves. To everyone on the virtual world, I went by the name Vick. I never showed my face until I was certain I could trust them. Trusting them would mean being able to call them or have a Skype call with them. I made so many friends during this journey, even to the point where I can call one my best friend. From then on, she and I have traveled a great deal on this virtual journey together fighting many battles of other friendships and losses (virtual boyfriends, if you must know).
My senior year of high school began as a life-changer for me. As a senior, my grandmother finally allowed me to have a little freedom. With the little freedom I had, I finally stepped out from behind my computer screen and hung out with my friends in real life. I became carefree to things that I let myself trust easily. When I went online, my best friend introduced to me a guy. I was intrigued by him the minute I started having a conversation with him. We would talk for days and I wouldn't get bored by him, nor he with me. The more we talked, the more I could feel like I could trust him. Although he never showed me his face, I felt I could show myself to him. So, I let myself slip and showed my face.
A few months went by and I was so comfortable with him. I felt I could trust him so I told him things that I would never tell anyone. In a similar manner, he would tell me things that would have been hard to talk about if we spoke in person. He told me about his life, how he grew up, how many siblings he had, and who he cared about... including an ex-girlfriend. Now you're probably thinking, "Oh, it's always the ex-girlfriend that gets in the way." Well, she was and wasn't at the same time. The ex-girlfriend was nowhere near him, but he still kept her in his heart. To him, she was the love of his life, but to me, he was also the love of my life. I loved him so much that I ignored the pain whenever he would talk about his ex-girlfriend. I knew she meant a lot to him so I didn't try to stop him.
We weren't really dating but we were known as an "item" to most of our virtual friends. He didn't care for labels. He thought of them as pointless and stupid. However, for me, having a label meant I meant something to him and he to me. I wanted love because I couldn't find that kind of love outside the virtual world. So I argued with him. I kept on arguing and arguing to the point where I even mentioned the ex-girlfriend. I know. I know. "Girl, you shouldn't have gone there." You're right. I shouldn't have-- but I was angry that he talked so much about her when I was right there in front of him, virtually speaking.
Just to spite him, I threw insults at him for always putting his mind on her when she wasn't even around. I made him angry that he told me that I was a mistake. He said, "I shouldn't have started something I never meant to take so far." Ouch. That hurt. It was like a knife had cut through my heart. I'm sure you could imagine how hard I cried. We ended things after that. I communicated with a mutual friend of ours and his sister. It was funny because we would fight as our friends would deliver the messages. His sister got so angry and scowled at us saying, "You two should talk to each other. I'm tired of being the messenger for you both!"
In was then where I stopped communicating with all of them. I ended my virtual journey all together and decided to live my life in the outside world. In truth, it was honestly better this way. I grew up and matured so much. I entered college with a fresh mind and am making my way through the year. As for him, I don't know how he is or what he's doing. I wish I knew so I could apologize to him and tell him how sorry I am. So here's to me and here's to him. I loved you then, I love you now, and I'll always love you forever.
