Dear Anxiety,

You have been my enemy for a while. We used to spend a lot of time together. In the terms of “keeping your friends close and your enemies closer” I definitely kept you as close as possible. I met you when I was young. I don’t know how and I can’t remember exactly when, but I wish I never had.

You slowly became part of who I am. You started out quiet and timid. Sometimes you would make me a little nervous or worried but nothing too bad. But you weren’t happy enough with only a little bit, you wanted all of me. You started to cloud my vision. You became the most absolute thing in my life.

You made me a person I never wanted to be. You told me I couldn’t smile anymore. You told me I was sad.

You would show up without warning. Sometimes you came for a reason, but most of the time everything in life was just fine and you would creep up out of nowhere. I would be happy and then all of the sudden I would get this sinking feeling that consumed my entire body. It’s like everything is completely fine, but my mind doesn’t know how to be fine. I try to relax but you won’t let me. Then I just start to worry about everything, and I can’t stop, and I don’t know what I am even worrying about. You make me lose sleep.

You take over slowly. You cause my heart to suddenly race. Then the sinking feeling comes. Very similar to the feeling of the drop on a rollercoaster. Then the extremely uncomfortable stomach ache. The feeling like you can’t breathe. After a few days more symptoms come. I feel like my whole head is spinning. When I sit down the room feels like a boat rocking on waves. My hands start to tingle. I slowly but surely lose my appetite.

Instead of just living in my mind, you take over my physical body too. I can’t ignore you when the symptoms start to show. Then I know you are there. You are real.

I can’t control you. I can’t make you stop and leave me alone. I don’t know how. People never understand that. They I think I chose to live with you all that time. But I would be fine in my head, and you would still show up. It frustrated me the most when I was genuinely happy, yet you still showed up.

But the worst part of it all is that I felt guilty for having attacks. I felt like I just needed to trust God more and if I admitted that anxiety was a part of my life then I wasn’t a good Christian.

So I kept it all bottled up for a long time. I never told anyone about you. It’s hard to live with your enemy and never say a word.

For most of my friends and family this is the first time they are hearing about you.

It was like I was always fighting a silent battle. I could be having the worst attack ever but my friends and family would never know. I did my best to act like you weren't there. Like you don't tear at me from the inside.

But it’s okay. Because even though I can never fully make you go away, I have overcome you. One day I woke up and decided that even though I can’t make you go away, even though I can’t stop the physical symptoms you cause, I can work every day to trust Jesus more. I can choose to work on my soul. I can choose to be the happiest version of myself that I can be in every moment. I can choose to let Jesus heal me after you create new scars. I can choose to see how Jesus grows me through every attack.

You have been more distant lately. I haven’t seen you since about a year ago. However, I know you are not gone for good. At any moment of any day, you might come back. And in that moment I will know that I have options. There are people I can talk to, steps that can be taken, and Jesus to comfort me. Knowing that Jesus is there doesn’t make the attacks easier, but it does make me realize that one day I will be in a place with him where there is absolutely no pain. Only happiness. I truly appreciate the moments of pure happiness in my life because of that.

Now I realize that you have made me become a happy and carefree person. Because of you I have realized that life is precious and the happy moments are to be greatly sought after. So now I am happy. Most of the time. My happiness and Jesus beat you out by far. You have caused me to become a person that I do love. A person who embraces the beauty that life brings and a person who smiles and laughs constantly. A person who ran to Jesus instead of listening to your lies.

So thank you anxiety... Bet you never thought I would say that.

I now know that I can still be happy even If you show up. Anxiety does not mean “not happy”. It does not mean I worry about everything. It does not mean “bad Christian”. It just means sometimes my head doesn’t line up with who I am in my heart.

So I’m sorry anxiety, but I win. I won’t let you consume me anymore. You can try, but you won’t succeed.

Sincerely,

An Old Friend