To My Boyfriend As I Am Mid-Anxiety Attack

To My Boyfriend As I Am Mid-Anxiety Attack

An open letter from your girlfriend with anxiety disorder
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I wrote this to raise awareness about anxiety disorders and the impact they may have on relationships. Please do not continue to read if you believe reading about someone's thoughts during a panic attack may trigger you, or if you do not wish to read something with harsh language. This letter contains my unfiltered thoughts during an anxiety attack and may upset some due to the dark nature of it. Please read with caution.


I have been battling anxiety disorders and depression since adolescence. It makes a lot of things hard- even the little tasks everyone has to complete each day. It especially makes maintaining friendships and relationships difficult. I have found it within me over the past year to talk about my anxiety with those close to me, but there is still so much about it that I find myself holding back. Admitting how anxious I am feeling and allowing others in while I am experiencing a panic attack is anxiety inducing on its own and the most vulnerable I feel like I can possibly be. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is the one that gets the worst of it. The impact anxiety and depression can have on a relationship is great. It is especially difficult for a significant other to truly understand what is going through our heads when we are having an anxiety attack if they don't experience them. This past week I read the article: This Article Was Written Mid-Anxiety Attack and it really resonated with me and inspired me to share my experience to hopefully enlighten those in a relationship with someone with anxiety or depression.


During my anxiety attack, I wrote this letter to my boyfriend:

I feel like the worst person in the entire world right now for constantly leaning on you. I should be able to do this on my own. I’m 22 years old. You would think I could with all the years I’ve fucking dealt with this. But no, I can’t. I feel inadequate. I hate feeling inadequate. I am inadequate. I can’t do anything.

I can’t breathe.

I know this is hard on you and that kills me. Knowing that truth confirms my worst fear of being a burden. I know I am a burden to you. I’m a burden to everyone.

My heart won’t slow down.

You keep trying to tell me how great I am. It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me feel worse, not better. That kills me, too. That every attempt you make to comfort me just makes me worse. How fucking terrible is that for you? Damn it. What is wrong with me? It makes me feel worse because I know you believe all of those things about me. It makes me feel like I am fooling you, manipulating you into loving me and thinking I’m someone I’m not. I’m not that person you say I am. I am pathetic and sad. I am over-dramatic. I am nothing.

I really can’t breathe.

I’m not good enough for you. You should know that. I wish you understood. I love you so fucking much and I know you don’t deserve this bullshit I put you through so much. You are capable of anything. You have no fear. If you do, you get over it. You aren’t scared of being late or not knowing the time. You aren’t scared of what people think. You aren’t scared of people always looking at you and being disappointed and disgusted by you. I want to be like you, but I never will be. You deserve someone like you.

I don’t deserve you.

I know everyone sees it, too. They think I’m disgusting and pathetic. I can’t even go to the gym without panicking first. I can’t go a day without shaking and being sick to my stomach before class. I can’t go a week without sleepless nights over the next day, just because I am scared I might be late or have a change in my routine. What if I have a pop quiz? What if someone says “hi” to me on the way to class I don’t normally talk to? What if my hands are shaking so much I can’t put on makeup? Then I’ll look ugly and stupid. What if I can’t make it to class? What if I can’t get out of bed? What if I fail my midterm? What if I eat too much? What if I don’t make it to the gym? I won’t because I’m pathetic. I always will be. What if I disappoint you? What if you realize tomorrow, or tonight, just how terrible I am?

I hate myself. You should, too.

I am so fucking sorry. I am so sorry I do this. I am so sorry I am a burden to you. You keep saying you won’t leave, but you should. But if you leave, it will crush me. I am so scared you will leave. That makes me selfish. You shouldn’t have to stay with me. Fuck. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I won’t be okay tonight. You say I will, I won’t this time. I swear it’s worse than the other times. My heart won’t stop. I think the people in the hall can hear it. I think they can hear my hyperventilating. They must think I’m so fucking weird. They hate me, too.

This time, it’s really it. I think I'm going to die this time. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I really can’t breathe.


If you love someone with anxiety: please know that we do not control it. We do not do it to hurt you or make your life difficult. We wish it wasn't a part of us- but it is. We know that we are often being irrational and that only makes us feel worse.

My anxiety is managed well. I attend counseling and have an amazing support system. I am OK- it may not seem like it after reading this, but I am. Most of that is due to the support I receive. This is just what goes on in my head during an anxiety attack. Those of us with anxiety disorders experience this regularly, sometimes multiple times a day. If someone you love is struggling with an anxiety disorder or depression, please seek to understand them. This means more than you will ever know.

If you are personally experiencing anxiety or depression and need help, please contact this anxiety hotline, or seek help from a medical professional or counselor.

Cover Image Credit: Tumblr

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I'm The Girl Without A 'Friend Group'

And here's why I'm OK with it

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views

Little things remind me all the time.

For example, I'll be sitting in the lounge with the people on my floor, just talking about how everyone's days went. Someone will turn to someone else and ask something along the lines of, "When are we going to so-and-so's place tonight?" Sometimes it'll even be, "Are you ready to go to so-and-so's place now? Okay, we'll see you later, Taylor!"

It's little things like that, little things that remind me I don't have a "friend group." And it's been like that forever. I don't have the same people to keep me company 24 hours of the day, the same people to do absolutely everything with, and the same people to cling to like glue. I don't have a whole cast of characters to entertain me and care for me and support me. Sometimes, especially when it feels obvious to me, not having a "friend group" makes me feel like a waste of space. If I don't have more friends than I can count, what's the point in trying to make friends at all?

I can tell you that there is a point. As a matter of fact, just because I don't have a close-knit clique doesn't mean I don't have any friends. The friends I have come from all different walks of life, some are from my town back home and some are from across the country. I've known some of my friends for years, and others I've only known for a few months. It doesn't really matter where they come from, though. What matters is that the friends I have all entertain me, care for me, and support me. Just because I'm not in that "friend group" with all of them together doesn't mean that we can't be friends to each other.

Still, I hate avoiding sticking myself in a box, and I'm not afraid to seek out friendships. I've noticed that a lot of the people I see who consider themselves to be in a "friend group" don't really venture outside the pack very often. I've never had a pack to venture outside of, so I don't mind reaching out to new people whenever.

I'm not going to lie, when I hear people talking about all the fun they're going to have with their "friend group" over the weekend, part of me wishes I could be included in something like that. I do sometimes want to have the personality type that allows me to mesh perfectly into a clique. I couldn't tell you what it is about me, but there is some part of me that just happens to function better one-on-one with people.

I hated it all my life up until very recently, and that's because I've finally learned that not having a "friend group" is never going to be the same as not having friends.

SEE ALSO: To The Girls Who Float Between Friend Groups

Cover Image Credit: wordpress.com

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How To Rock Your Natural Curly Hair This Summer & All Year Long

CALLING ALL CURLY HAIRED GIRLS: It's our season!

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All of your friends and your favorite famous idols all have long, straight hair. You take hours or get treatments on your natural curls to keep your hair straight, when in reality you are ruining the gorgeous curls that you should be rocking! I know it's hard to keep your curls under control, but with the right product and effort you can rock your curls all summer long. Curly hair is in! Here's how to rock your natural hair all summer long.

1. Coconut oil is your BFF.

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Whether it's in your conditioner or you use it as a spray or leave-in product, coconut oil is a great way to keep your hair shiny and frizz-free. For those of you who often straighten your hair, coconut oil can help tame and treat your damaged ends. Conditioners and products with coconut oil in them are always my go-to products. I would but this on this list 10 times if that would make you use it!

2. Stay by the pool.

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If my friends want to do something and I am having a bad hair day, I always suggest the pool. Not only can curls give you a beautiful thick messy bun, but my friends are always jealous of how good my hair looks in the pool. Curly hair, wet from the pool, is like a magic trick. Your hair will instantly look better.

3. Dye your hair!

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If you are like me and can't stand having your hair look the same 24/7, I have found dying my hair keeps me from wanting to straighten my hair or want to change it. Dying your curls will make whatever color you get really pop and keep you feeling fun and exciting in your natural hair journey. You don't have to do anything too drastic either! Sometimes so highlights or a lighter color is all you need.

4. Rock the pouf!

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Get that hair as big and crazy as you can get it, and ROCK IT! Don't let that volume and texture go to waste. Own your curls and wear them big.

5. Use a bandana or headbands for control & extra cuteness.

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When my hair gets a little more out of hand than I like, I opt for a headband or bandana to help style it. With curls, your hair has texture and can actually hold a headband in place. CVS and Walmart offer a large (and cheap) assortment of headbands and bandanas for all of your curly hair needs.

6. Braid parts of your hair to give your hair depth or add control.

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Sometimes a french braid on the side or over the top can not only make it look like you really took the time to style your hair, but also add control to your everyday look. I like to braid my hair when I know it is going to get frizzy or just want to slick down the top and rock a pouf in the back.

7. Invest in a good conditioner & hair mask.

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While you are relaxing with your face mask, why not do a hair mask at the same time? A hair mask is a great way to hydrate your curls and get them bouncy, conditioned, and frizz-free. You can find a variety of good hair masks for under 15$ and you can use them 2-3 times a week.

8. Get bangs... or just fake them!

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This one is #RISKYAF, but you don't actually have to cut your hair to get bangs. I use bobby pins to pin up my hair to give the illusion that I have bangs. It is great when you want to switch up your look or rock a ponytail or bun. Which leads me to my next point...

9. Bobby pins, bobby pins, bobby pins!

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Use bobby pins to hold your hair in place and control your hair while you go for a messy look! I pin my bangs to the side with bobby pins or use them to hold certain pieces in place. They are especially helpful for updo looks!

10. Comb your hair while you're in the shower.

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To avoid breakage and breaking apart your curls it is always best to comb your hair while you're showering. You need to condition your hair (to avoid breakage) and comb the conditioner through it until all of the knots are out. If your hair keeps getting caught in the comb and the knots aren't coming out, put more conditioner in your hair to help. Finish your shower and then rinse the conditioner out at the end. And BAM! Tangle and frizz-free curls. PRO TIP: Use a wide tooth comb, never a brush!

11. Invest in a hair turban towel.

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You can get these on Amazon, at TJ Maxx, at CVS, and the list goes on. Instead of drying your hair with a regular towel and making it frizzy, wrap it in a hair turban to get the wetness out while keeping it moisturized. Hair turbans will help keep in all of the moisturizer and conditioner locked into your hair after showers.

12. Use scrunchies instead of hair ties.

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Not only are they super cute to wear on your wrist, but they also won't crease your curls if you need to tie them up quickly. Scrunchies are also great because they can be tied loose and not damage or smash your curl pattern. I haven't used a hair tie in years and don't plan on using one anytime soon.

12. Be proud & rock the f*ck out of your hair.

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Healthy and loved natural hair will never do you dirty. Love your curls because 9/10 people wish their straight hair had the same texture yours does! Curly hair is a whole look, let's start appreciating it more!

Love your natural hair and get inspired by all of the tips and pics of super fab curly hair!

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