To My Boyfriend As I Am Mid-Anxiety Attack
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

To My Boyfriend As I Am Mid-Anxiety Attack

An open letter from your girlfriend with anxiety disorder

1359
To My Boyfriend As I Am Mid-Anxiety Attack
Tumblr

I wrote this to raise awareness about anxiety disorders and the impact they may have on relationships. Please do not continue to read if you believe reading about someone's thoughts during a panic attack may trigger you, or if you do not wish to read something with harsh language. This letter contains my unfiltered thoughts during an anxiety attack and may upset some due to the dark nature of it. Please read with caution.


I have been battling anxiety disorders and depression since adolescence. It makes a lot of things hard- even the little tasks everyone has to complete each day. It especially makes maintaining friendships and relationships difficult. I have found it within me over the past year to talk about my anxiety with those close to me, but there is still so much about it that I find myself holding back. Admitting how anxious I am feeling and allowing others in while I am experiencing a panic attack is anxiety inducing on its own and the most vulnerable I feel like I can possibly be. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is the one that gets the worst of it. The impact anxiety and depression can have on a relationship is great. It is especially difficult for a significant other to truly understand what is going through our heads when we are having an anxiety attack if they don't experience them. This past week I read the article: This Article Was Written Mid-Anxiety Attack and it really resonated with me and inspired me to share my experience to hopefully enlighten those in a relationship with someone with anxiety or depression.


During my anxiety attack, I wrote this letter to my boyfriend:

I feel like the worst person in the entire world right now for constantly leaning on you. I should be able to do this on my own. I’m 22 years old. You would think I could with all the years I’ve fucking dealt with this. But no, I can’t. I feel inadequate. I hate feeling inadequate. I am inadequate. I can’t do anything.

I can’t breathe.

I know this is hard on you and that kills me. Knowing that truth confirms my worst fear of being a burden. I know I am a burden to you. I’m a burden to everyone.

My heart won’t slow down.

You keep trying to tell me how great I am. It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me feel worse, not better. That kills me, too. That every attempt you make to comfort me just makes me worse. How fucking terrible is that for you? Damn it. What is wrong with me? It makes me feel worse because I know you believe all of those things about me. It makes me feel like I am fooling you, manipulating you into loving me and thinking I’m someone I’m not. I’m not that person you say I am. I am pathetic and sad. I am over-dramatic. I am nothing.

I really can’t breathe.

I’m not good enough for you. You should know that. I wish you understood. I love you so fucking much and I know you don’t deserve this bullshit I put you through so much. You are capable of anything. You have no fear. If you do, you get over it. You aren’t scared of being late or not knowing the time. You aren’t scared of what people think. You aren’t scared of people always looking at you and being disappointed and disgusted by you. I want to be like you, but I never will be. You deserve someone like you.

I don’t deserve you.

I know everyone sees it, too. They think I’m disgusting and pathetic. I can’t even go to the gym without panicking first. I can’t go a day without shaking and being sick to my stomach before class. I can’t go a week without sleepless nights over the next day, just because I am scared I might be late or have a change in my routine. What if I have a pop quiz? What if someone says “hi” to me on the way to class I don’t normally talk to? What if my hands are shaking so much I can’t put on makeup? Then I’ll look ugly and stupid. What if I can’t make it to class? What if I can’t get out of bed? What if I fail my midterm? What if I eat too much? What if I don’t make it to the gym? I won’t because I’m pathetic. I always will be. What if I disappoint you? What if you realize tomorrow, or tonight, just how terrible I am?

I hate myself. You should, too.

I am so fucking sorry. I am so sorry I do this. I am so sorry I am a burden to you. You keep saying you won’t leave, but you should. But if you leave, it will crush me. I am so scared you will leave. That makes me selfish. You shouldn’t have to stay with me. Fuck. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I won’t be okay tonight. You say I will, I won’t this time. I swear it’s worse than the other times. My heart won’t stop. I think the people in the hall can hear it. I think they can hear my hyperventilating. They must think I’m so fucking weird. They hate me, too.

This time, it’s really it. I think I'm going to die this time. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I really can’t breathe.


If you love someone with anxiety: please know that we do not control it. We do not do it to hurt you or make your life difficult. We wish it wasn't a part of us- but it is. We know that we are often being irrational and that only makes us feel worse.

My anxiety is managed well. I attend counseling and have an amazing support system. I am OK- it may not seem like it after reading this, but I am. Most of that is due to the support I receive. This is just what goes on in my head during an anxiety attack. Those of us with anxiety disorders experience this regularly, sometimes multiple times a day. If someone you love is struggling with an anxiety disorder or depression, please seek to understand them. This means more than you will ever know.

If you are personally experiencing anxiety or depression and need help, please contact this anxiety hotline, or seek help from a medical professional or counselor.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

Being a pharmacy technician never held as many risks as it does now. Exposure too hazardous conditions were little to none, and garbing up was only conducted in IV compounding. But, now, in order to give nurses the medications they need to help their patients, they need us, pharmacy technicians.

Keep Reading... Show less

First and foremost, shame on you for encouraging the patriarchy and sexism as you police a female's clothing choices. You cannot control our bodies, but what you can advocate for is public health and safety. This includes demoralizing rape, slut-shaming, and protecting society from illness.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

11 Reasons Why Getting A Cat Is The Best Thing You Can Do For Your Mental Health

Cats may mess up your puzzles but they'll always love you unconditionally — as long as you have some catnip, that is.

Scout Guarino

Alright, everyone, it's time to stop spreading the rumor that all cats are mean, aloof, and hate everyone. Like dogs, each cat has its own personality and tendencies. Some like a lot of attention, some like less — each person has to find the right cat for them. As for me, my cats Bienfu and Reptar have seen me at my worst, but they've also helped pull me out of it. They're a constant in my life and they give me the strength to get through the day in spite of my depression, and there's even scientific evidence to support it!

Keep Reading... Show less

Picture this, we're settling into our date, the conversation is flowing, we're ordering drinks, laughing, and then it happens... the job convo.

Him: "So what do you do?"
Me: "I'm a dating and relationships editor."

Keep Reading... Show less
Disney

I've always been a huge Disney villain fan — whether it was for their cryptic one-liners, enviable outfits, or sidekick banter. Some of the most iconic lines from cinematic history have been said by the characters we love to hate and occasionally dress up as once a year.

The fear-mongering Gaston I now find hilariously cringe-worthy is now charming and oftentimes considered by fans as rightfully justified in his actions. Die-hard fans of the Disney villain fan club claim alternate egos in their favorite evil characters, adopting their hilarious witticisms into everyday life.

Keep Reading... Show less

- I have extremely sensitive skin, which is why I have always resorted to a plant-based organic beauty line such as Radha Beauty.

- Radha Beauty won me over years ago when I was looking for organic skincare brands.

- I was so excited to see they launched a new line incorporating USDA organic rosehip oil, so when their PR team sent me some, I could not have been more thrilled.

- After a week of using the products, my face felt as smooth as a baby's, looked more glowy than ever, and even cured some of my summer sunburn.

Radha Beauty isn't just a best-selling beauty brand on Amazon — it's a USDA-certified organic beauty brand I live by, and anyone who knows me knows I am all about holistic wellness.

Typically, it only takes three days for me to tell if a skin product is working or not because I have extremely sensitive skin. It's also why I have always stuck by plant-based organic beauty lines such as Radha Beauty.

Keep Reading... Show less

Anyone who goes to Panera Bread will tell you that their mac and cheese is to die for. If you're a huge fan of their mac and cheese, you won't believe the new recipe they're coming out with!

Keep Reading... Show less

I have definitely had my fair share of breakups. I broke up with my high school sweetheart my second semester of college (he was cheating on me), I had a breakup with another guy I thought I was going to marry, and others in between. Regardless of whether you're the one doing the dumping or being dumped, breakups can HURT.

Keep Reading... Show less
Swoon

I Asked My Boyfriend His Opinion On Liking Other Girls’ Pictures, And, Spoiler Alert, It's Cheating

"When you get into a relationship and you're in love, you have to realize that liking photos is for the single lifestyle."

Ladies, listen up. If you are in a relationship with a guy and he is liking other girls' pictures on social media, then it's a red flag. A man who can look at someone else and show interest by liking it means he doesn't care about your feelings AT ALL.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

Epic Activewear Deals Every Leggings-Lover Needs To Know About From Nordstrom's Biggest Sale

Wearing my pleather Alo leggings till someone physically removes them from my body.

I'll be the first to admit I'm not an athletic person, at all. Since junior high school, I've been happily cheering my friends on at their football games and soccer matches from the sidelines as long as I could go home to my yoga mat and spend Sunday mornings at Pilates with my mom's friends.

Weekends are often spent in my casual wear, from the second I throw them on for morning meditation through running errands and evening walks. No, I won't be running a marathon or joining my friend's volleyball league anytime soon.

Keep Reading... Show less

TikTok was banned by the president, but Instagram is here with its newest feature called Reel. Many of us are still wondering why TikTok was being banned in the first place. Was it all the dangerous TikTok trends? It was because of a security concern, but not in the way you might think.

TikTok is owned by Dancebyte, which is a China-owned company. Basically, just like any other app, TikTok collects the user's data. The main question to ask yourself when investing in any app or marketing tools who will be owning my data? So yes, China currently owns all the TikTok user's data worldwide.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

5 Reasons To Put The Damn Mask On, And Stop Fussing With It

COVID-19 is real people, do your part to protect yourself and others.

Ilana Stein

With the ever-changing reality of our world due to COVID-19, there has been one constant throughout these past unforeseen months, masks. Ever since coronavirus hit the ground running in the US, the CDC has been recommending social distancing and mask-wearing to stop the rapid spread.

Many people have been great about adhering to these policies, mandates, and suggested uses, but others, not so much.

Keep Reading... Show less

I've been an athlete my entire life. I love movement and I've been jumping, kicking, swimming, dancing, throwing, you name it since I was in diapers. I'm also pretty competitive and probably went through a few sore loser phases. What can I say? I like to win, and losing can sometimes feel like I've failed. Especially, when your competitor is your best friend or someone that you worked all year long to defeat.

Keep Reading... Show less

Social media is something many of us have been addicted to (whether we want to believe it or not) since the moment we got it. I remember getting Facebook at 10. Instantly I was hooked. I loved being able to share my life with people, a little too much in my opinion, and I loved being able to see how/what other people were doing all the time.

Keep Reading... Show less

I am not in any way any sort of medical expert. These are just some tricks that work for me and have worked for others who also suffer from anxiety. These may not work for everyone, but I do hope these help some people in their fight against anxiety.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments