Unsaid Thoughts From A Journal

I'm stuck in an endless loop.

Every single day, I wake up having these thoughts that make me want to throw up all my emotions. These thoughts that make me think the worst and cause me to be anxious about everything. I go throughout the day, doubting and judging myself. I feel sad. I'm sad all the time, but you know what? It's okay. It's perfectly fine; I'm used to it.

I'm used to the sadness I feel. I forced myself to get used to it six years ago. Six years ago, things changed a lot for me. Six years ago, that's when I felt the sadness grow and develop inside of me. Throughout the years, the sadness grew like the development of a polaroid picture. You know when you take a picture and that moment when the film pops up? There's that moment where you wait and stare at the film until the picture shows up. But, you have to wait for it. It induces anxiety that makes you can't wait for the picture to develop.

But, for me, that picture was the sadness. I didn't want the sadness to develop at all. I didn't want to feel the constant numbness and depression. But, unfortunately for me, it developed in a slow and painful way. Each year, with every heartbreak, disappointment and broken promises, it added on to the sadness developing. It felt like hell.

It still feels like hell.

I have friends. I have family. I have people who care about me. I know I have love and support, but for some reason, I feel like I don't have it. I feel so irrelevant and small. In a world so cold, it's hard to feel. It's hard to put my all into everything because I'm scared of the outcomes, what might happen. The big "if".

But, I take chances. I take these chances that might break me. I always regret taking chances, not only because I'm scared of what might happen, but because it usually doesn't work in my favor. I may be an idiot for still trying, but for some reason, I still want to try. There's something inside me that forces me to try. I feel grateful for that small part in me.

It gives me hope.

I stay behind a facade. I joke around every chance I get and be happy about everything; but in reality, deep down, I feel numb. I feel like I'm useless to everybody. I feel ugly. This facade is what everyone is used to. They're used to interacting with this person who seems happy and makes jokes all the time. They're used to the excitement that I make myself to express. The counterfeit facade that radiates with complete happiness.

I feel worthless, irrelevant and like a nobody. But, I'm still trying. There's always a reason to try and take chances. I don't know what that reason is. But, I feel like it's worth it at the end of the day.

There's something in me giving me this tiny thought of hope.