A brief horoscope for each of the signs for September 2016. Check your moon sign as well.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Throw out all your cargo shorts and replace them with jorts (jean shorts). You'll be the most fashionable guy on the block, and you'll be positively drowning in babes.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Take these next weeks to learn a new skill: weaving 17th century Georgian style baskets will definitely do your soul and fingers some good.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Your scathing personality may ward off more people than you want this month. Try peeing in a swimming pool to bring some tranquility and serenity into to your aura.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You've been working so hard recently. You deserve to kick back with a few cans of dog food (grain free is recommended) and a liter of Dr. Pepper.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Try taking up a new hobby this season. This writer's recommendation is to learn to build an entire refrigerator. You can get the scrap parts from the dumpster or steal them from your neighbors while they're asleep.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Virgo season has arrived! Celebrate your birthday by binge eating green gummy bears. This will bring you prosperity in your new year of life. Playing chubby bunny (or chubby bear, if you will) with them will raise your chances of prosperity, and of death by choking.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Target needs those shopping baskets back.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Watch Stranger Things if you haven't already. If you have, watch it again. If you watched it and didn't like it, wake the hell up. Millie Bobby Brown deserves your support.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Drinking margarita mix without the tequila will bring about new discoveries in your life. Bathing in it will probably bring you into another life altogether.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

If you're bored of the regular beer you drink, try adding several tablespoons of salt to it. The more solidified it becomes, the better. Try to make it impossible to consume without a utensil.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Do your damn homework for once.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Switch it up this month by doing something spontaneous! Perhaps take a trip to your local Apple store and purchase 27 mini iPads. If you're not sure what to do with them, consult the receptionist at your dentist by calling them during business hours and asking politely, if somewhat urgently.