When I found out I was pregnant, I was absolutely beside myself. I had gotten the depo shot about a month before I started dating my current boyfriend. I'd had a late period, some soreness, but all those were normal side effects with the depo shot. I texted my boyfriend, and letting him know that I was getting a pregnancy test, well 3. I was certain they would be negative, but I just had so much anxiety and wanted to 100% be sure that I wasn't. I went and got the tests, and came back to my apartment to take them. I peed on the sticks, I took care of business, went to pull my pants up.
I looked over, and there they were. All 3 were already positive.. in less than 45 seconds. My heart dropped. I immediately took a picture and sent it to my boyfriend, freaking out. He called, we discussed our options. I told him abortion wasn't a choice for me. I will always fight for a woman's right to choose but for this situation, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. He understood. We had already planned for him to come over that day, so he came over. He reassured me that everything was going to be okay, that we would be okay, and I let him know, this wasn't easy for me. We talked throughout the day. We hadn't been together for very long, and this was completely unplanned.
I'll always remember when he came over. He came in, gave me a hug and a kiss like he always does, and he went to take a shower. I remember I got up and started folding laundry, and I remember hearing him come out of the bathroom, and I'll always remember him hugging me from behind, and he said "I know you're worried and anxious. Everything will be okay. We will be okay, and we will get through this." That was the moment I fell in love with him. I loved hearing it, and I believed it. However, that didn't stop the turmoil that was happening inside.
Over the next several weeks, my anxiety got significantly worse, our relationship got a little rocky because of it, and we almost split. To this day, I'm so glad we didn't. It wasn't that I didn't want my daughter, it was the circumstances behind it. I knew that over time, I would get better, I just wanted it to happen right then. Unfortunately, that's not how anxiety works.
I was very open with my boyfriend about how I felt about the pregnancy. He is very much the positive person that I need in my life. Through all of this, he was as supportive as he could be. He, of course, was going through it in his own way, as most men do. I remember one day specifically, where I woke up just in a miserable mood. My anxiety was ridiculously high, and I was upset and severely depressed. He tried to talk to me through text, but there wasn't anything he could do to help me; this was something I had to work out myself. That day, I called some counselors in my area, until I found one that had availability. I knew I needed help.
My best friend, Dominique, video chatted me, and talked me through it. All I could say was "I hate my baby." It was true, in that moment. I knew I wanted her, I knew all of that, but on that day, it didn't matter. I felt terrible about it. Then I felt terrible for feeling terrible. That was approximately 8 weeks ago. Today, I am more at peace than I was before.
So, how did I get there?
Find a support system
Finding a support system is so important. These will be your people, for the next several months depending on when you find out. You need a group that is non-judgmental, supportive, and who will be there if/when you need them. An unexpected pregnancy is not an easy thing to work through. It can be done alone. However, things are always easier if you have a support system.
Be honest about your feelings
It was hard for me to admit my feelings, at first. I felt like the world's worst mother when I stated them. However, I couldn't help how I felt. Getting my feelings out there, helped me work through them and figure out why I felt the way I did.It helped me to get where I am today; I am happy and excited for the future and I cannot wait to meet my little princess.
Seek help
Therapy is such a nasty word here in the US. There's a stigma attached to it, that I just will never understand. However, therapy has helped me in a way that I didn't think was possible. I never thought I would be excited to have this baby, yet here I am. I still have my anxiety-filled days, but now it's no longer about how much I don't want her. Now, it's the typical parental anxieties; will I be good enough, will I raise her well, how can I protect her from the negativity of the world?
However, I will pick those anxieties, over the ones I had before, any day of the week. Therapy is what got me to that point.
I know an unplanned pregnancy is hard, mama. I know it is. Whatever decision you make, is between you and your doctor. However, if you so choose to carry this baby and you are having doubts about yourself, or your baby, the above are my suggestions. They may not fix it, but they will help the process. Keep moving forward, mama. Remember, you got this.
