I always thought it was being prudent or accounting for "just in case" situations. I was always over prepared and somehow, I never felt like I was ready for the day. One thing goes wrong and suddenly, you feel like you're naked. Come to find out, I have severe anxiety and it was seeping into every piece of my life. Here's what anxiety made me do:
1. Constantly bounce my knee and not being able to stop.
2. Hold a chip in my mouth until it softens enough to not crunch when I chew it.
3. Check that I locked the door six times.
4. Go three days without showering because I'm terrified of being attacked.
5. Develop a routine for how to check my apartment for intruders without turning my back on anything I haven't checked when I come home.
6. Sit in the car for an hour in the mall parking lot and end up driving home instead.
7. Have a panic attack in the middle of a store but put everything back neatly so that the employees wouldn't judge me.
8. Learn how to silently unzip my backpack so I don't bother my classmates.
9. End up with scabs all over my forearms and shins from breaking out in stress rashes.
10. Take Tylenol like it's candy because constantly grinding my teeth gives me a perpetual migraine.
11. GPS to school every morning even though I know the way like the back of my hand.
12. Avoid accidents because I've already imagined every possible scenario and have planned how I'd react at any given time.
13. Take off my bra in the middle of the day because the bees in my chest were swarming.
14. Immediately put my bra back on because what if someone were to notice?
15. Constantly monitor the way I'm walking.
16. Replay something I said over and over because the inflection didn't sound right and I've embarrassed myself again.
17. Sit in the very back of the class even though I have bad vision because that way no one will get annoyed with whatever it is I do.
18. Mentally rehearse how I'll respond when my professor takes attendance until they actually call my name.
19. Not use the bathroom for nine hours because I'm not at home.
20. Set 32 alarms and have my mom call me every morning so I don't oversleep.
21. Rush like I'm late and sit in the parking lot for 20 minutes because I always end up being early.
22. Develop a very strong memory because I'm constantly cataloging moments so I can overanalyze them later.
23. Shudder every time something pops or bangs in public because it was absolutely a gun and there's no other plausible explanation.
24. Check everyone's hands that I walk by because they might have a weapon.
25. Eavesdrop on three conversations at once because they might be talking about me.
26. Assume every laugh and snicker is in response to something I did.
27. Listen to my own breathing and adjust it because it's definitely too loud.
28. Constantly tap my fingers or click my pen or type aimlessly on my laptop.
29. Want to slap the kid next to me for making the same noise but never saying anything.
30. Touch my zipper periodically just incase my fly was down.
31. Stop texting my friends and just internalize the things I need to talk about because I'm 83 percent positive that I'm annoying them.
32. Keep three extra outfits and a couple pairs of shoes in my car so that I can change if someone stares a little too long at what I'm wearing.
33. Dread going out with my friends because it's draining to be on edge all the time.
34. Drive my friends crazy confirming details over and over so that I don't mess up and go to the wrong place or end up without a ride.
35. Keep my panic attacks near silent and undetectable so I don't inconvenience anyone around me with it.
36. Develop escape plans for every room and building that I'm in on campus just incase there's an active shooter.
37. Stop watching the news because it gives me more nightmares than horror movies.
38. Constantly check my news apps on my phone because I still have to be sure that there's no tornado warnings or bomb threats.
39. Sit on the bathroom floor for an hour after being done using it because I'm almost positive that the noise I heard was a murderer standing outside the door.
40. Run my fingers over my palms to make sure that I'm still a person and remind myself that I'm okay.
