I was sitting in the library trying to wrap my head around everything I had to get done. It really wasn't that much work, but it was enough to start the process all over again. My world started to feel like it was caving in. Everything started to turn dark and all I could think about was how I was ever going to get it all done. I needed a job, but how could I get a job when I could barely carry my workload? 15 credit hours, only 15, but it's enough to make me crazy. How do you even study for a test? How does one efficiently get their homework done? Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
All I can think about is my anxiety. It's consuming me — nothing else matters. I hear one of my friends asking me a question, but I just can't respond right now. Why don't they get that? I need to be alone, but I'm trapped inside this huge library with people surrounding me.
Thinking about this moment, thinking about how anxious I was, it makes me anxious now too. I just kept reminding myself to keep breathing. Take a deep breath — that’s what all the articles told me to do in this situation. My psychiatrist told me I needed to start going to a therapist to work on coping mechanisms for when my medicine just isn't enough, but I'm a college student. I just don't have time for all of that.
My mind is still racing. I get up from the table without saying a word and go for a walk around the library. I need to get my mind off things. My friends probably think I'm being so rude right now. I have to call my mom to calm myself down. She always knows what to say. 20 minutes later, after my mom reminded me how great I am and how I just need to cut myself a break every once in awhile, I finally start to breathe normally again. The world is bright again. I can think straight again. That was a bad one. That was one of those "get me out of here right now" anxiety attacks. That's what I fear.
People with anxiety experience attacks like that pretty often. If they have a good therapist and are on the right dosage of medication, their attacks are minimal, but they still happen. People who have yet to learn how to cope with their anxiety or are on the wrong dosage of medication can have multiple attacks every single day. That's what anxiety is. And it isn't just about school. Anxiety attacks can be caused by being in an uncomfortable social setting, not knowing what you are going to do with your life, plans getting canceled or, even on a really bad day, because you cannot find an outfit to wear.
Yes, anyone can experience minimal anxiety, maybe before a test or because it feels like his or her life is falling apart. However, there is a difference between that type of anxiety and full-blown anxiety, anxiety attacks and all. Some people have such bad anxiety that it also leads to depression. Anxiety and depression are known to go hand in hand. These illnesses are real and they are around all of us. For all you know, your best friend has anxiety, but she just keeps it to herself. Just because you cannot see her illness does not mean it is any less of one.
People take mental illnesses too lightly. They are all around us and they are not going anywhere. Jokes are constantly being made about anxiety, but it really isn’t funny. Oh, you’re “anxious” because you can’t get your hair to do exactly what you want it to do? You may think it’s a joke to say you are going to freak out if it doesn’t start cooperating, but honestly, are you really going to freak out? Is your day going to end if you need to try something else? I doubt it. I have had actual breakdowns because I cannot get my hair to work for me. The thing about anxiety is that we know what we freak out about is irrational most of the time, but we cannot help it.
Just because our problems are irrational does not mean that they aren’t problems. We wish we could act normal and not care about the little things, but we can’t help it. We constantly are worrying about what everyone thinks of us, worrying if we can get all of our work done, worrying about our plans for the rest of the week. Worrying is a constant when you have anxiety and it is miserable and it consumes you.
Anxiety is real. Anxiety is exhausting. People need to start becoming more aware of anxiety. If you know your friend has anxiety, do not tell her to relax and do not tell her to stop worrying. We know we should do all of that, but if we could, we would. Just tell your friend that it will all be okay and to breathe. Or just tell them if they need anything, you have his or her back. Anxiety is all about support. That is all we ask. Do not push us away because we are different; just love us for who we are.
Mental illness is everywhere and it is time to start acknowledging that. Take a stand and accept that mental illness is real, but it does not define us; it just affects us.
