Ever had a stupid crush on someone you didn’t even want to date? Feelings are so inconvenient! Here are twelve steps that will help you get over it.
1. Rationalize!
Before you can get over a stupid crush, you must find out why you developed it in the first place. If this reason isn’t valid, neither are your feelings! Say this affirmation: “I only like them because ____” (because we have X interest in common, because I’m romantically horny or bored, because they’re available, etc). This devalues your feelings enough that you can dismiss them quickly, since you are now certain they are not some cosmic message from the gods. And we've already established that you're stupid, so it's not like you can trust your gut or anything ridiculous like that.
2. Wait for your feelings to pass.
Literally just wait and they will probably go away pretty soon. Don’t act on them. Ride it out.
2. Reassure yourself that your feelings have no purpose.
If you’re not going to act on them, why dwell on them? It’s just not productive.
4. If you catch yourself fantasizing about them, DON’T punish yourself!!
Laugh instead! It’s so funny and stupid how you are stupid and funny. What pointless behavior! Hahahahahaha! It’s not like you would DO anything about it anyway! That’s why it’s called a STUPID crush! Hahahahaha! Accept it, recognize that it’s happening, and then recognize that it’s utterly useless and do nothing about it.
If you dream about them, keep in mind that dreams are literally a regurgitation of what you thought about that day. It doesn’t “mean anything.” I mean if you have a stupid crush on someone, and you were thinking about them, of course they as a subject of your thoughts may appear in your dream. The trouble is when it’s someone you didn’t think you did have a stupid crush on at that particular moment. And to this I say, you can usually tell whether you do. Often, faces of random people get stuck on characters in the dreams. It totally might mean nothing to you. That said, depending on the person and circumstance it might bother you so much that you DEVELOP a stupid crush on them, but if that’s what happens, big deal! There are ways to combat this. That’s why the twelve steps exist!
5. Never tell anyone.
Your friends’ reactions will only act as a catalyst for more feelings. And they will probably encourage you to Do Something About It, which is obviously the worst idea ever when you’re just trying to not be stupid anymore.
6. DO NOT WATCH ROMANTIC COMEDIES.
You are in a vulnerable state and if you start relating to them too hard it’s going to harm your mental health and set you back. Expectation feeds the stupid crush! How are you supposed to accept the invalidity of your feelings when part of you thinks the person might come to your window with a boom box and tell you it's always been you?
7. Implement a distraction technique every time you think about them too hard.
I like to cause myself physical pain and/or speak literally anything aloud! Focusing on a task is also good.
8. Be alone as little as possible.
If you are alone in a room you will indulge in feelings. Stay around people, stay active, stay talking and thinking about other things.
9. Ship them with someone else!
I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: shipping is a very important technique in getting over a stupid crush. If you can find someone way more right for them than you are, and will them to be together with every fiber of your being, then you won’t be sad they’re not with you! Crush over. Boom. No longer stupid.
Bonus technique: if you know they are dating someone or like someone else, you can also decide to befriend with THAT person and start thinking of all the reasons they’re awesome, which will help you to ship it! Also, if you befriend their significant other you might get to spend more time, aka form a friendship with the person you like(d), which in itself can help you get over them (see below).
10. Friendzone them!
Begin by focusing on the desire to get to know them on a deep and emotional level, spend time with them, go on fun outings with them, have stupid inside jokes—hey, wait! Those are things you can do with close friends! I guess you must just want to be friends with them after all! This isn’t even romantic! You’re so silly!
11. Do not deny your feelings to yourself.
This is maybe the most important point on this list. Be like, “ok I’m a silly romantic fool with a stupid crush.” If you don’t accept it, you can’t accept that it’s stupid. Denying feelings just assigns them power. And honestly, denial is a lot of work. Understand that feelings are there, but this is just a stupid and inconvenient passing infatuation (which is the literal dictionary definition of a crush, so by calling it a crush you’re actually already acknowledging it won’t last), and since it's so temporary, you and your dumb feelings are completely insignificant.
12. Let them know you’re not interested.
In order to get over a stupid crush, you must make it VERY VERY CLEAR to this person that you are NOT looking for ANY KIND OF (romantic) RELATIONSHIP, thereby cutting off the possibility of them making a move. This is a very easy thing to bring up in conversation. Love is EVERYWHERE. You will get on that topic super quickly and be able to go right to “lol that’s so not for me right now” and they will get the hint, give up the idea of anything but a close and totally platonic friendship with you, and perhaps even use some of the methods on this list to get over their stupid crush on you. Then you should proceed backwards through these steps. Feelings dismissed. You’re welcome.
With this twelve step program you will eventually begin to get over stupid crushes before they are fully formed! Or before you even realize they are forming at all, because you’re subconsciously employing the above techniques! And remember: it is twice as easy to get over half a stupid crush.
Go forth and be smart.
