Growing Up Is Hard To Do

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

Insight into the adult world.

The moment an individual turns 18, they are considered an adult. The right to vote, you can join the army, and get a tattoo are just some of the new exciting responsibilities/opportunities you aquire. But, just because legally you are an adult, the age old question is, “Do you know what being an adult actually is?”

A general answer to this question is they, “think,” they do. I will generalize this statement; usually all 18 year old's think they are unstoppable, nothing is going to happen to them, they are above the law, and the world is at their finger tips (as they use their other hand to spin the world themselves). But, in reality turning 18 and learning how to be an adult or, “adulting,” as I like to call it; is one of the scariest, nerve wracking, and amazing time of a person's life. Take into account that an 18 year old's scary, nerve wracking, and amazing emotions can and will happen all at once when their making the decision to go to college or does this individual want to settle down? And to THINK these are only TWO of the major decisions that this 18 year old will have to make in their early career of adult-ing.

Now I am not saying this to be intimidating and have kids be fearful of growing up; I myself just turned 25 years old and have to admit I quite enjoy the idea of being an adult. Even though I have to make tough decisions and live with my consequences, the freedom of choice is a powerful and wonderful thing to have.

There are a few things (in my personal opinion) that almost halts a persons ability to grow up and be an expert at adulting. One of the major things is going away to college. I know, this is usually not a popular opinion among college students, but just hear me out. When you go away to school all you can do is eat, breathe, and live college. Sometimes you can get a job on campus, but sometimes you can not; which without an income you have to rely on other people (be it government aid, parents, or guardian) to help you survive. Yes, you can make adult decisions like going out and partying on the weekends, but you can't really support yourself without having a job or some source of income. Yes, you get an education and after school you go out and (hopefully) get a job to start your career, which is amazing! But, that means you don't start actually being an adult until the age of 22-25 (depending on how much schooling you go through). I fall into this category, granted I didn't go away to school, but I didn't start my two careers until I was 23-25; right now I wouldn't even consider myself to be adulting well at all, but it is what is is unfortunately. My mom still helps me out a lot; she doesn't charge me rent, helps me buy food, lets me use her old car, and many other things. So, I am not bashing anyone that is not adulting well, but just bringing insight to what it takes to be an adult.

Turning 18 is a wonderful time in an individuals life. It's full of new choices and responsibilities. You can essentially do just about anything (give or take). But, you also have the challenge of making the RIGHT decisions for your own personal life. If you can do that, you are one step closer to being an adult and really discover the true meaning of “adulting.”

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit to live chat with someone. Help it out there and you are not alone.

Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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