Reading Megan Adams's article gave me the inspiration to talk about my depression and my ongoing journey of improvement. Please read the article to get a sense of what it feels like to have depression and such.

On June 1st 2015, I had my "final" mental breakdown. This was the most memorable one because I broke down in front of my close friends. It happened for something stupid, but I completely lost control of my emotions and my body. I was at a sleepover when this happened, and we were playing a video game. I cheesed a move in a fighting game, and my friend got pissed and stopped playing. I apologized a lot, but she wouldn't budge, and then it happened. I got up, screamed, hit the wall, and started crying violently all the way to the basement since no one was there. I continued to cry when another friend came down to calm me down, but I yelled at him to get out in which he angrily left. That made me more depressed, and the cry got more aggressive. I started hitting the bed frame and my head a lot, then I flailed around on the floor as I tried to control myself. It was very difficult to do that. I started to get tired, but it didn't stop the crying. I lost my part of my voice; however, I started talking to myself out loud as if two Robs were there. One asking questions on why I was crying, and the other (being me) answering. Then it came to the conclusion that I was a monster that cannot control my rage, and the two Robs become one. The crying grew back, and I got my voice back to cry louder, almost as if the other Rob agreed my conclusion. The sound got quieter and quieter, and eventually I cried silently, probably because I completely lost my voice. I texted my friend, but she didn't respond. I called my mom to pick me up, and my parents dropped what they were doing and came to me. I packed all my things and went to the door. I told my parents that "it" happened again. They had no choice but to find a therapist, which I happily supported.

The Origin Story

Let's go back to what I believe is the originator of my mental issues. My depression started around childhood in middle school. It was a Catholic school that treated students with intimidation, as expected in one. Others had their own ways of dealing with the strictness such as being a bully, a troublemaker, and a mama/papa's boy/girl (parent voicing complaints that can shake reputation, so that the child can have privilege). For me (and probably some students), we had our own way of dealing it.

I was your cliche buzz haircut, metallic frame glasses wearing, hunched over Asian kid. I was quiet and shy with little to no influence to others. I was a frightened student in a Catholic school, and I stayed silent and out of trouble in order to feel safe. I tried to avoid every humiliation possible by studying to get the best grades, avoiding groups of people and not speaking in class. I stayed conservative. However, there were times when I did feel humiliated. I often got angry and depressed afterwards. I never thought about it being unhealthy because I wanted people to feel scared of me, so they could take me seriously. Obviously, that was such a bullshit mentality. I would often get angry when things did not go my way. In other words, expectations - when my expectations on myself or what I think fall below, I would lose it and get aggressive. It was basically my way of saying, "Don't fucking push me, or else." It made me feel strong and powerful because I was always shy and quiet and powerless. This unhealthy behavior was the balance to my timid personality.

When I did rage, I would often hit stuff or my head. If you ever visit my house, you can see subtle differences on the walls. It is because those areas were victims of my rage. If there weren't things to hit, my head was the second option. It was my self-harm. Afterwards, upon realizing what I had done, I got depressed because it made me feel like a monster. I started to cry in regret.

The Growth of Depression

This behavior carried on throughout high school. However, I became more expressive. At the same time, I went overboard on things. I soon started to develop expectations of people, that they should be who I wanted them to be. I became controlling and clingy. I had my first love in freshman year of high school, and that ended up poorly. I was too clingy and enraged with jealousy. I often invited myself to things because I wanted to fit in. I somewhat made people feel uncomfortable, but there were people who appreciated me being there. However, I often think of how people perceived me, and it was usually negative. Each time, I thought about it, the fear of abandonment grew stronger and stronger to the point of feeling alone and isolated mentally and physically. Boy, that was cringing as fuck.

In academics, I did talk a bit more than in middle school, but I was still viewed upon as quiet in class. I couldn't think during discussions, but at the same time, I was scared to speak up. That's probably because of middle school. If your opinion was stupid, you got humiliated. That mindset came into high school. By junior year, I was slightly comfortable until my confidence shattered in a class group debate. It started out well in my debate, but I started to choke, sweat, and shake. I had a panic attack when I looked up and saw all eyes on me. My group member came to my aid and helped me out a bit by expanding my thoughts, but despite good intentions, it made me feel worse and more embarrassed. Then I heard a cough. That cough when you know someone is choking. My mind went blank, and everything turned black and white. I walked out of the room and into the bathroom, and I started tearing up in frustration and embarrassment. A few members from my group and from the opposing side came to check up on me. I decided to stay outside for ten minutes to cool off. I walked back in with my head down low. For the whole week, I felt empty and depressed. I was easily agitated and annoyed. I did not look at anyone and stayed quiet among my peers and friends.

Why It Happened Back in June 2015

Going back, when I tried to apologize to my friend in June of 2015, I had expected that she would accept and continued playing. But it did not go by my expectations, and therefore, I screamed in frustration and hit the wall. Upon realizing what I had done in front of my friends, I got morbidly depressed due to regret and embarrassment. I was scared what they'd think of me. They'd think I was a monster. The crying was much more aggressive than before because the past mental breakdowns happened when I was alone in my room with my parents comforting me. This one was in front of my friends.

The Help and Improvement

I finally received help in therapy around mid-June of 2015. It was a bit scary at first because I was telling personal things to someone I didn't know, but she was really friendly. It wasn't long before I got comfortable telling everything. I was also assigned a psychiatrist to observe my changes in behavior and to prescribe medications. He was slightly intimidating, but I learned it was in his nature and I started to see him as a friendly person. He diagnosed me with Major Depression, Anxiety, and Mood Disorder, though the last two are very much related. I was given anti-depression and anti-anxiety pills to combat the mental issues. With the combination of therapy and medications, I was able to improve heavily in a year.

At the same time, I knew those two weren't enough to help me get better, so I developed my own method on how to deal with anger and depression. I basically followed the ideas of patience and low expectations. This led me to having way less stress and anxiety than before and being more comfortable and relaxed with events and people. I became the type of person to go with the flow. With this, I don't get angry right off the bat because I'm understanding and patient now. I am not afraid of getting rejected or asking people out and such. If I want it, I go and get it whether through hard work or not. It is up to me to get what I want, and I don't care if people see me differently as long as I live happily. If I don't try, I won't know the results. In the end, it usually works out well or even better because I don't expect much to begin with. This idea branches into social aspects and academics and even to my career.

I am able to keep friends and make them feel comfortable. People say I am much easier to talk to than before, they can talk to me about practically anything and I am a great listener and comforter. I am not hesitant to partake in activities such as speaking in public or singing in a concert (I FUCKING DID IT. I EMBARRASSINGLY SANG IN FRONT OF 500+ PEOPLE, AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK HAHAHA). I actually loved the feeling of being in the spotlight to be honest.

My fashion and looks changed at least for the better (slightly), and my pimples almost disappeared to the point of people asking me what skin products I use (I don't, hehe). I do have some subtle pimples, but they're noticeable only if you're practically kissing me with your eyes opened, hehe. I believe they vanished because of less stress and anxiety. However, I want to note that I don't buy expensive brand clothes. I just make good use of what I have, and what I find, and combine them. I prefer a balance of comfort and looks.

Anyways, in the academics, I don't stress too much on test. I accept failure because to me, it's a learning process and a motivator to do better. You must feel sadness to be happy. You must know the feelings of failure to know what success is. However, with less anxiety and expectations in academics, I am able to focus more and do well. I am not afraid to talk in public about my opinion and question things. I even aim to provide the other sides of issues, so that people can have options to choose, rather than go directly in agreement. I even got a perfect 4.0 semester, but of course that won't last. Grades aren't everything anyways. I'm here to learn and build connections.

My career/art path is pretty much great because I am not afraid to feel passionate about what I love to do. I am an aspiring graphic designer, and I have the motivation and passion to prove it. It is the perfect choice for me because graphic designers can voice people's opinions or my opinion through art and typography. They channel emotions. On the dark side of things, they also have some sort of control on people's way of thinking (hehehe *evil grin*). Anyways, I love what I do. I am currently a part-time graphic design intern for a cool social media firm called Sircle Media, and I am continuing to learn new things.

In the span of a year, I was able to go from a shy yet raging person to a highly motivated, relaxed and talkative figure to my peers and friends. With patience and low expectations, I am able to live life comfortably and learn from others and my mistakes.

Spreading the Help

When people feel depressed, I try my best to help them out. At the same time, I often advise them that in order to get better, they must also help themselves and not completely rely on others for help. In other words, it is a collaborative effort. I help you while you help yourself. I did not want to completely rely on therapy and medications to improve, hence why I created my method of patience and low expectations. This isn't to say my method is the only method. It is to say a good collaborative effort can go a long way. However, the helper must also be patient.

Depression Comes in All Forms

It is a difficult road indeed. Others have different ways of dealing with depression. It may takes months, years or even decades to improve. There is no time limit of depression.

Yes, I improved in a year, but I never said I'm free from it. I still have depression, but not as strong as before. It just comes in different forms. Therefore, all depression should be considered as a concern. Before it was rage and anxiety, now it's lack of excitement. It's not depression that makes me sad. It's depression that makes me empty. While everything I mentioned is set, I feel like I have not yet been challenged. Since the new mindset, things have been easier than before, and I want a challenge. This is why I'm doing new things. I am doing a part-time internship while attending full time classes. I am joining a school club and will partake in some events in it. I even joined the Odyssey to write articles because I want to challenge myself to write more and inspire people. You might say I'm putting too much on my plate, but my stomach is always empty. I am not overwhelmed "yet."

I want my heart to start racing again. This is my ongoing journey.