Donald Trump’s campaign is quickly running through their reserve of excuses well before the Presidential election on November 28th.
After a rough couple of weeks defending his past actions, he has used up almost all of his excuses he had planned. “When I had to say my comments were ‘locker room talk,’ I knew I was almost done. That was supposed to be my last excuse,” Trump said. He mentioned he was contemplating doing something he has never done before: lie. “Listen, I never lie, never, but if the media keeps up its biased reporting, I might have to start. And they’re so biased.” Fox News was quick to comment on the bias in the media.
When asked about his future comments he will eventually say in response to another old scandal, Trump preemptively said, “I never said that. Never said that. Nope.” After a day of hard thought, he will presumably pin the blame on Bill Clinton. “It’s all his fault for being President 25 years ago. I hear he even lied about enjoying cigars,” he said in between large sniffles. “And his wife, Hillary, doesn’t even like pantsuits. I know this because I was the only one who asked to see her pantsuit enthusiast certificate and she never produced it. She's a liar, liar pantsuit on fire."
More prominent Republicans will pull his support further dividing the Republican party. “John McCain never fought in Vietnam,” Trump said continuing to berate the Republican Senator. “I prefer people who served our country and weren’t captured, like myself when I captured Saddam Hussein in Iraq, a war that I was against. Remember that; remember that.”
Following his latest future foot-in-mouth incident, Donald Trump stopped talking entirely. He is expected to lie about his silence after the election on November 28th. He was last seen tossing puppies off Trump Tower in Manhattan.
“I never did that.”
