Is your baby crying so loudly you have to turn up the volume on your television? Are you tired of losing sleep every night because your stupid baby just won’t shut up? If you’re anything like Donald Trump you’ve probably tried all the tricks: screaming at it, lacing its food with melatonin or his personal favorite, building a crib with higher walls. But, like Trump, you must have realized that although these methods can be downright fun, they are not always effective. Luckily for you, he has just started the Trump Babysitting Service, so he can pass along his baby handling skills to you! If you are interested, here is his list of techniques and procedures when he comes to your home.

  1. He will start by securing his payment. First and foremost, this is a business, and he does not work cheap. This is a cash only business, unless you want the full force of the trump empire’s legal division to come down on you, I suggest you pay up front.
  2. He will want to see the baby as fast as possible. The sooner he can ensure that it is completely healthy, for legal reasons, he can make sure that he is under no legal obligation for any damages that existed before his arrival.
  3. You will notice as you are paying Trump that you can already hear crying from the other room, and you will want to leave to let him get to work. The first method Trump will use is to give the baby some money. Studies have proven that a one hundred dollar bill is a sure fire way to occupy a baby’s attention. Furthermore, Donald Trump will assure you that giving that money for the baby to suck on puts it to far better use than silly vaccinations.
  4. If the money did not work, then he will move on to his second technique: leaving the room and shutting the door. With the door closed the sounds of the crying should at the very least be muffled.
  5. However, if the sound of the screaming is not offset by the door, Trump has come prepared. He will bring out his noise cancelling ear phones to make sure he cannot here the annoying child.
  6. After a few hours the neighbors are sure to take notice, and they will ring the doorbell to see why the baby has been screaming for such a long time. He will likely tell the neighbor to mind their own business, and say something insulting about their appearance.
  7. Finally, Trump will cook himself a meal in your kitchen, probably some quesadillas or a burrito. He will show the food to the baby, but will refuse to give it to him until the crying stops. Of course he knows already that this will not work, because it is in fact a clever ruse to ensure that Trump will eat the whole thing himself.
  8. When you come home from a relaxing night out, don’t expect to hear any noise, because the baby will have definitely cried itself to sleep by now. But be sure to give Trump a nice Top for all his hard work!

Trump knows that you have a choice in baby care, and he wants to thank you for choosing him to watch over your child. And be sure to keep your eyes open for his next endeavor, the Donald Trump Veterans Support Group!