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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
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Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black-and-white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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Socialism Doesn't Work, Even In Theory

Socialism is often looked at a Utopian system that benefits all, but this is not the truth.

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A phrase uttered often in political discussions is "Socialism works well in theory". Supporters and opponents alike will claim this to be true. However, this is completely false. Socialism is a system in which the people who do well are robbed and are forced to give up sums of money for "the greater good". It robs the people of the fruits of their own labor. The far left would like people to believe that with more extensive taxes and a complete switch in direction to socialism from capitalism is a wonderful idea.

Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez claim that a surrendering of rights and giving the government more power will provide more economic security. What a socialism does is it takes away incentives to innovate and succeed. Multiple real life cases have proved this such as the crises in Cuba, Nicaragua, and more recently Venezuela. Venezuela had tremendous wealth that was squandered and stolen from the people who work hard and do well. China and Russia have funneled billions of dollars into the failing Venezuelan economy and still it is one of the worst in the world.

The proponents of socialism will cite the Nordic Countries as tales of success in the world of socialism. However, these economies are ranked among the best for economic freedom and the welfare states are built upon the power of open market capitalism. Even more ludicrous is the term Democratic Socialism. The term relies on the idea that democratic is just. Democratic does not always mean just. The platform in North Korea is democratic, but as many of you know, the elections are single candidate with Kim Jung Un as the only candidate.

Famous politicians such as Sanders and Ocasio-Cortez tout that they will do socialism correctly and other systems have been corrupted. If a system is so easily defiled in real life circumstances, then how is it a good economic policy? Under conservative presidents, the United States has seen more economic growth than under liberal presidents and that is not a coincidence. The United States has become the world's sole superpower under the guidance and freedom of capitalism.

So I finally say: no, socialism does not work well in theory.

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