I'm not sure when it started, but at some point past my young years, I started to be mean. Really mean. Mean to myself. Not to others. To me. I would never say the things to others that I say to myself.
That is so messed up.
At what age do we decide to put ourselves under this immense amount of pressure to be perfect in every aspect? To compare ourselves to others, to change for others, to not be us. At what point did I stop being okay with who I was because I was so focused on the strive to be someone else?
Let me ask you this: "Would you say to your 10-year-old self?" Someone recently asked me this question, and I was in awe. Honestly, no. Half the stuff I tell myself, I would never say to my 10-year-old self. My pure, little, cute 10-year-old self. I couldn't imagine any 10-year-old having to hear the stuff I say to myself.
I think of my 10-year-old self. My anxiety-prone (didn't know it at the time), silly self. I could barely handle the 5th-grade math tests and spelling quizzes, yet I still motivated my way through it. I was young, carefree, and optimistic. Why did I let that change? It should not have. Hell, I am still young and carefree. Not so optimistic, but I'm sick of that. The glass is half full, and I seriously need to start telling myself that more.
To be honest, I don't have some profound deep-rooted answer, I'm just here to write the truth.
And the truth is, my 10-year-old self seriously could not handle the pressure I put myself under. She would cry. A lot.
I am really fed up with being so mean. Being mean to others is never even an option so I do not want to be so mean to myself anymore. I would never want any child to hear this, so why do I let myself hear it? It is exhausting.
I don't have the answers yet. I have ways in which I think I can fix this. Treat myself with some TLC. A little more often than I do. Positive thoughts, always. You can do this, you can do this. You are enough.
A new school year, a new mantra. Love for yourself always. No matter what. Nice thoughts only.
To my 10-year-old self…
You are adorable. Embrace it all, and always love yourself. Never tell yourself you deserve anything less than perfect.
