A few weeks ago, I wrote "Buy Yourself Some Flowers", an article on why you deserve to treat yo' self to some pretty scenery and remind yourself that you are special. This week, I want you to treat yo' self like a flower.

I have a journal of quotes (which I just finished filling up!!) that I have been jotting in since 10th grade. Many of them come from anonymous people on Tumblr, including this one: "But remember my dear, that even though cloudy skies were never your favorite, flowers need rain to grow, and so do you." I am very bad at taking care of myself. Some days I can be good at it, mostly by taking naps and remembering to drink some sliver of the correct amount of daily water, but most of the time I am bad at it. No matter how often I claim I am a mess or talk about being stressed, I never really pinpoint where my stress is coming from. I don't realize how big of a deal it is until I'm having a panic attack on a Wednesday morning in my shower, and I am more afraid that I am having a heart attack because I can't fathom how sincerely stressed I am about whatever is happening in my life. It happened this previous Wednesday. My heart was beating fast and my breathing was shallow, and I felt the water spilling over my head, and I just kept thinking condition and get out. Condition and get out. Breathe. Stop feeling your pulse. Condition and get out. I laid on my bed, and I texted my mom. She was the one who offered up the idea of a panic attack and I thought oh. I had one of those in August. This is what it feels like. And I realized that I was not, in fact, having a heart attack. I didn't need to call an ambulance. I needed to breathe.

And so my mom sent me this cool little gif technique that shows you how long to breathe in and out. And I laid in my bed with my towel wrapped around my hair, and I deeply breathed in and out. For about an hour. I thought about not going to class. I had already missed the marker for getting to campus before parking mostly filled up (a time of great anxiety for me), and I felt like driving to campus and sitting through six hours of class would not help my mental health. So, I emailed my professors. I felt guilty for asking for the day off -- I wasn't throwing up, I didn't have a fever, I wasn't blowing my nose every other minute. My head and heart just weren't feeling too good. It felt like something I was supposed to power through. "I'm having a panic attack, but don't worry about me, it's just mind over matter from here." I couldn't get myself to say that. I couldn't get myself to believe that I could make it through a whole day without feeling worse than I already was. Still, I felt guilty for saying, "I'm having a panic attack so I don't think it would be good for me to come to campus today."

I ended up having to go for a Latin quiz and a Physical Science lab. There was no way to get out of the lab so I didn't try to shoot an email, and my Latin professor didn't respond to the one I sent him until I was sitting in his class. My heart didn't beat as fast during my Latin quiz, but all I thought about was going home and sleeping. Then after my quiz, I went home and slept for about two and a half hours, with Paw Patrol playing in the background (the only good tv on during the middle of the day). I went to lab where I almost yelled at my partners, and drove home after crying to "Eavesdrop" by the Civil Wars.

My heart didn't slow all the way down to its normal pace until 8 p.m. I didn't feel good that day. I felt fatigued, emotional, guilty.

I don't know how to stop those days. I don't know how to take care of my stress before it gets to that level. I have become so good at shoving things as far down as they'll go. I don't like confronting my feelings. I don't like confronting my state of being. I don't like telling people that I am afraid of my stress, afraid that I can't take care of myself, afraid that I keep talking about getting better but instead just regress to the worst parts of my mental health. I am not good at drinking water, or eating protein, or sleeping enough at night. I am not good at telling people how I feel. I am not good at taking care of myself while translating Latin at 8 a.m.

I want to change that. And so, I am going to start treating myself like a flower. I am going to water myself, give myself lots of sunlight, and remember that "growing up is better than growing down." I am going to try to get better, but I am also going to be easy on myself when a drought comes through. A bad day is hard enough without plucking my own petals. I hope that if you have bad days too, you don't pluck at your petals. I hope that you water yourself. And give yourself sunlight. And remember that fertile soil is the place to start, so you surround yourself with loving friends who want to help you. I am not good about eating protein, but so help me if I don't have loving people to remind me anyway.

I want to take care of myself mentally. I want to know that taking a day off because I cannot breathe is not the end of the world. My health, mentally and physically, comes before my participation grade. I want to grow like a flower, so I'm going to treat myself like one. I hope you will, as well.