When someone hears the words "toxic relationship" they do not automatically think how great that would be to have. I also know that everyone may tell themselves at some point in their lives that they would never put themselves in any position to be in a toxic relationship either.
Well, newsflash...I told myself the same thing.
I told myself that I would leave once I saw an ounce of disrespect coming from my significant other. Don't get me wrong every relationship has its ups and downs but I told myself I would be strong enough to leave once I noticed that I was not in a healthy relationship. I told myself I would never let a boy talk down to me because I know I deserve better than that. Boy, was I wrong.
I fell in love with a boy at a young age. The relationship lasted about a year and a half which included getting to know each other and finally becoming official. I always beat myself up about the beginning because I should have known there were red flags right away. I always would make excuses for why he might be texting other girls or why he might be sneaky with the things he did, but I ALWAYS gave him the benefit of the doubt.
We became official and we were always spending time together or on the phone with each other so I thought that there was no possible way I was being cheated on. Then, I got a phone call from a girl saying that he had contacted her. The feeling I had when I heard her say the words, "He has been cheating on you," was like I had been dropped on my back and then stabbed in the heart all while also not really feeling surprised at all.
It was kind of like I knew but was too afraid to wake myself up and do something about it because I was so in love with the thought of this perfect fairytale love story. You would have thought that I would have left then but I didn't. He somehow manipulated me into thinking it was my fault because I was too "suffocating" and I was the one who ended up apologizing.
Crazy, right? It gets better.
He never really yelled until the end of the relationship when I started catching him talking to other girls every other day. It was ALWAYS my fault but I told myself that I was not ready to let go of the good times because the only reason he was doing this to me was that I was not a good enough girlfriend so the only way to change is to stay with him. I thought that if I stayed with him, I could change him. I could change his feelings and make him love me like I loved him.
He broke up with me. I was devastated. I was constantly apologizing for being horrible all while he was living his life. He had me on a leash and he knew it too. He would go out but text me he still loved me and that we had a chance together after he "figured himself out," or some bullshit. I was waiting for him, begging and he was not fighting at all.
I remember when I had had enough. It was when I was away at school and I had realized that I had cried every single day that week. HE broke up with ME and I was still trying to fight for him. I had gotten a text that he had kissed someone else and I knew that I could not cry anymore. I had given this boy all of my love and lost myself in the process. That relationship took absolutely everything out of me and more.
I was so devastated but knew that once I was done, it was finally the beginning of my life starting over.
It is three years later and I finally have felt strong enough to talk about this. It took so much out of me that I am literally just now getting back to my old self. I always thought I needed a boy to love me to be happy. I was so wrong. I promise you to any girl out there in this position, it does get better!
You just need to be strong enough to know when enough is enough. A boy should never degrade you, he should never blame you for his mistakes, and he should never make you feel like you are only worth something if he loves you. You are worth something regardless and he is a piece of shit. Keep your head up, you got this.
